Crumbling Deception
by Arabesque01
Summary: A case from the past comes back to haunt the squad—one that brings everyone back together again. "Because behind a false sense of bravado, he wanted desperately to hold back his own fear, his own insecurity, his downright terror—that she couldn't handle another round. That they couldn't handle another round—that perhaps this could be the case that would cause all of them to fall."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Welcome back! This story is set between the end of Season 15 and the beginning of Season 16. It has been a long time since I've been in the swing of writing fiction again so bear with me as I adjust back. Feedback is always appreciated along the way. I will try to update as often as I can.

Please be forewarned to heed the rating on this. To help me get back into character, I started with a flashback from Beast's Obsession (the junkyard scene). The dialogue from this section is not mine. It belongs to the fabulous writers of Dick Wolf. If this is too triggering for you, please take care of yourself. You won't miss any plot points if you skip the italics section. It just sets the mood for Olivia's present state of mind. I will try to give warnings as necessary at the start of each applicable chapter for potential triggering scenes. Enjoy the ride...

* * *

Crumbling Deception

Chapter 1

 _It was pitch black outside._

 _Olivia's heart was pounding as the car pulled forward into the abandoned junkyard lot. She turned the wheel to the right and came to a stop, glancing around her as she prepared to step out of the car. Pure adrenaline coursed through her veins, pushing her forward as she stepped outside._

" _Lewis, I'm here." Her voice broke ever so slightly, betraying her even as her eyes scanned all around her. "Where's the girl?"_

 _It was an internal battle inside her. Her breathing stilled ever so slightly as her eyes scanned the grounds—waiting for whatever came to follow. It wasn't until she turned her back that she saw him coming up behind her—his gun drawn, his jaw clenched. The tears she had been holding back instantly sprang to her eyes despite all efforts to hold them back._

 _She was frozen in place as she watched him step closer toward her, her lungs heaving for air, her eyes trained on the gun in his hand. And suddenly, she didn't know where she was anymore. An image of him in her apartment sprang to mind, but it was only the feel of the wind that drew her back to this moment. "Put your hands in the air, Olivia."_

 _Slowly, she felt her hands comply as if betraying every effort to resist them. "Did you think it was going to be easy, Olivia?" Her eyes were fixated on the way the corner of his lips turned up in a smile as he repeated her name. "After all of our time together. It's like you don't even know me at all."_

" _What do you want?" The response felt instinctual and strangely calm despite his rapidly approaching footsteps._

" _Your gun." His words took her breath away again, shattered her sense of safety. "Otherwise you won't find the girl."_

 _He reached over to grab her Glock from its holster, and she felt her body pulling back away from him in a futile attempt to protect her. She watched him take her weapon away from her, watched him tuck it in his waistband, watched him take away the one piece of control she felt she still had._

 _Her eyes fluttered shut, desperately fighting back the tears that wanted to come forward. Her mind screamed at her not to let him see its effect on her, but her body felt powerless to fight it. She heard the click as he took out the clip, heard the gun as he tossed it uselessly aside. She flinched as it hit the ground._

 _His gaze hardened. "Turn around." Her body complied, her hands reaching out to wrap around the edge of the car. And then she felt it—felt his hand dig into her hair, pulling her back toward him. She felt her hair cascade loosely around her face. Long or short…it no longer mattered. Somehow, it still betrayed her._

" _Owwww." She fought to hold back the cry that escaped her lips, but to no avail. She strained her neck to see behind her, to find something with which she could ground herself in the moment. But it was useless. She felt him tear away her vest and toss it aside—stripping away the last bit of protection she had left. She was powerless. Again. "Ahhh, take it easy."_

" _Shhh." His response commanded her attention once again. She could still feel the gun on her back even as she felt him turn away to throw her vest away. But it wasn't just the vest itself that he had stolen from her, or even the badge affixed to it. In a solitary motion, he had stripped away everything from her—her identity, her power, her control, her safety…her confidence in a justice system she had spent more than 20 years trying to protect._

If I hadn't let my guard down, if somebody had put him away…

 _She froze, suddenly realizing she had no idea what she had left. His hands briefly disappeared and then came back and she felt them all over her again. Her cries disappeared into the darkness all around her, unheard by all except the one person she desperately wanted to hide them from. She felt him continue his intrusive search. "Drop gun, good girl…cell phone, this you won't be needing." Her head whipped up as she heard the sound it made as it hit the pavement. She exhaled sharply._

" _You know what?" His hands pulled her back toward him, commanding, invading. He ripped her handcuffs and her radio away from her. "I think I'll keep the radio. This way they can hear you scream while they're looking for you."_

 _She desperately fought for her composure, fought to keep her voice steady. "Where's the girl, Lewis?"_

" _Shhh." He grabbed her arm, whipping her around to face him. She felt her eyes lower ever so slightly, avoiding eye contact and watching as he entrapped her wrist. She heard the sound the handcuffs made as they snapped closed, trapping her once again. "Let's go for a ride". He raised the gun again, and she felt her body recoil away from it, away from him. She stumbled backward as he pushed her further back into the darkness, a darkness that consumed her. The pain, the anxiety, the fear disappeared into the darkness as her body took over, allowing her mind to escape into oblivion._

* * *

"Olivia?"

Amanda's voice gradually broke through Olivia's reverie. Her head snapped up, her eyes slowly orienting back to the scene around her. It took her a moment to realize she was on the roof. Her breathing began to slow down as she realized she was safe. She pulled herself up to a more vertical position, turning her back to the twinkling lights down below. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

Amanda's eyes darted over to where Fin stood across from her. "We found the girl," she repeated quietly. "Two gunshot wounds to the back of her head." Amanda hesitated. "Listen, we don't have to talk about this now."

Olivia shook her head, gesturing for them to follow her back through the door. The bright lights burned her eyes as she stepped into the hallway and headed back down the stairs to the bullpen. As she made her way down the stairs, she fought desperately to maintain her composure.

Amanda met her at the bottom of the stairs. "Victim's tox screen came back too. Her blood alcohol content was 0.18, and they found trace amounts of Trazadone in her system."

Fin stepped in smoothly. "That's not all. Rape kit shows vaginal tearing and bruising. But, Liv…" He held his breath for a moment as if gauging her response. "The bastard burned her with cigarettes and a wire coat hanger."

Alcohol. Sleeping pills. Cigarette burns. Wire coat hanger. Olivia's mouth felt dry. There was no need to say the name out loud. They were all thinking it. _Lewis._ Her voice broke. "That's impossible. He's dead."

 _He was pronounced dead. And then he came back to life._

The words replayed themselves in her mind, and Olivia felt the panic start to grip her. The tears, desperate to escape, burned behind her eyelids. Her breath began to quicken again. "There has to be some other explanation." Her words were raspy when spoken. She could feel herself fighting…fighting for a clarity that had disappeared the moment that she had received that fateful call that Vanessa Mayer's body had been found.

"Liv," Fin's voice was soft as he came up beside her. "Maybe we need to get you a protective detail."

 _You're not going anywhere...You're to stay here or at a hotel. Intelligence will provide twenty-four hour protection until Lewis is apprehended._

Olivia fought for clarity, fought to push away the image that threatened to re-emerge. It was her fault. Her fault for slipping her detail and going to the junkyard without back-up. Her fault for allowing Lewis to take her again. Her fault for everything that followed. The precarious wall she had spent the last year building crumbled back down against the weight of her guilt.

The tears were suddenly replaced with a burning rage. A sudden wave of resolve passed over her, and Olivia recoiled from Fin's touch quickly. "I don't need a protective detail. I can take care of myself." She glared at him. "And before you say a damn word, I am _not_ stepping down. Not from this."

"Yes, you are." The voice, when spoken, held an air of authority.

Olivia whipped around at the sound of the familiar voice. "Captain!"

Cragen's eyes scanned around him as he took in the scene in the squad room before him. He forced himself to fight back the wave of guilt that had been crashing down on him for more than a year, to push away the words that he knew were left unspoken.

 _Go home. Stay there two days._

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment as the words echoed in his head.

 _Liv, that's an order._

It had been his fault. His fault for not helping convict Lewis the first time around. His fault for sending Olivia home to be kidnapped and tortured. His fault for not checking on her sooner.

 _The beach…in Long Island. Which beach, hmm? North shore? South shore? The bank? Do you know how many beach houses there are in Long Island?_

Cassidy's words reverberated in his mind as if on an endless cycle. He could feel the familiar weight on his chest. It had all been his fault. It was his fault they hadn't been able to find her. His fault for not being able to protect her on the stand. His fault for not being able to protect her when Lewis did it all again.

 _If you'll excuse me…_

Cassidy's voice was suddenly that of Alice Parker silently begging him for a help that had never come. He had failed them all. Olivia, Alice Parker, his squad. Hell, if he had found Lewis with Alice Parker, none of this would have even happened to begin with.

 _This._

He couldn't even bring himself to think the words in his mind. A part of him was terrified of the truth behind them. Cragen's eyes opened again, and his voice was quiet when he spoke. "If I came back from my retirement halfway around the world, the least you can do is give me something to do."

Olivia's face was puzzled. "Captain, what are you doing here?"

It was the only chance he had to somehow make things right. Cragen thought he had timed it right—left just far enough after Lewis' trial that she might not make that connection. But the reality is, in leaving, he had failed her once again. Fin's words were imprinted in his mind… _he's got her again, Captain._

He felt the helplessness he had felt from halfway around the world come back. Cragen pushed the memories away, intentionally keeping his voice light. He was not about to fail her again. "Apparently One P.P. is a little short on squad commanders. They think you're too close to this case, and Lt. Murphy is still on an undercover assignment…" He paused, hoping against all hope that the light-hearted tone in his voice would somehow permeate through, giving her at least a semblance of some control against the weight of his words. His lips curved upward in the beginning of a smile. "So I guess you're stuck with me."

"Captain, I can do this." Olivia's voice was pleading.

His heart broke a little further at her need for control, her need to prove herself once again. He nodded. "I know you can. But this time I'm going to need you." His eyes surveyed the room. "I'm going to need all of you."

"Including me." Munch's voice boomed out from behind them. "You know there are much better ways to get together than a rape homicide. Maybe you should try them next time."

Fin's eyes twinkled, his voice suddenly lighter. "Welcome back, partner."

"Not to interrupt this little reunion," Amanda interrupted, glancing back and forth. "But what's going on here?"

"With Amaro over in Traffic patrol, we're short-handed," Cragen clarified. He surveyed the screen in front of him. "So why don't you start filling me in on everything I've missed."

"Victim's name is Vanessa Mayer," Olivia announced, gesturing toward the screen in front of her. She stepped back and perched on the edge of her old desk. "She went missing approximately three days ago."

Cragen nodded carefully. "I remember her. She was Lewis' defense attorney." He studied the photo in front of him, scanning his memory for details from a case he scarcely wanted to admit was already emblazoned in his memory.

Fin jumped in before Cragen could respond. He nodded to the two new photos that sprang to life on the screen. "At least until Lewis murdered her father and raped and tortured her mother."

"Herb and Liz Mayer." The details slowly began to filter back in. Cragen paused, gesturing toward each photo. "So Lewis kills Herb Mayer, rapes and tortures Liz Mayer, and then one year later, Vanessa Mayer shows up missing."

"Not just missing," Olivia responded quietly.

Amanda glanced nervously around before she spoke. "Perp's M.O. is an exact match for Lewis. Vanessa Mayer was missing for 3 days before we found her body. Her tox screen came back positive for alcohol and Tramadol." She hesitated. "And she had burns across her chest and neck from cigarette butts and a wire coat hanger," she finished quietly.

Cragen drew in his breath sharply. "We're sure the son of a bitch is dead?" He wasn't sure if his words were a question or a statement.

"I saw his body." Olivia heard the slight tremble in her voice and dug her hands into the desk beneath her as if to steady it. "In the morgue."

Munch looked around, his voice uncharacteristically serious. "Not to sound like the resident conspiracy theorist, but he was pronounced dead one other time."

Fin shot a glare toward Munch. "I saw his body too. Trust me. If he didn't already have a bullet through his skull, I would have happily put one there for him."

Cragen glanced back and forth between them. "Munch, go to the lab and talk to Warner. I want to make sure we're one hundred percent certain the son of a bitch is six feet under by now. Fin and Rollins, go back to the crime scene. Have CSU meet you there. If there is so much as a single hair or fiber out of place that doesn't match Lewis' M.O., I want to know about it."

"Captain, what about me?"

He heard the resolve in her voice and swallowed hard. Every instinct to protect her welled up within him, and he fought hard to quell it. For her sake. He wasn't about to let her see him falter. He needed to somehow find a strength he wasn't sure he still possessed. "Olivia, my office." He watched her head snap up and paused, softening his voice as he corrected himself. "I mean…your office."

As he turned to walk toward his old office, he held his breath and hoped she didn't see the slight hesitation in his steps. Didn't see the tears he was fighting to hold back. Didn't see the truth he was so desperate to hide. Because behind a false sense of bravado, he wanted desperately to hold back his own fear, his own insecurity, his downright terror—that she couldn't handle another round. That _they_ couldn't handle another round—that perhaps this may be the one case that would cause all of them to fall.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

* * *

"Well, look who came back from retirement for…what is this, the second or third time around?" Melinda's voice was warm as she glanced up from the table in front of her.

Munch feigned a glare. "Well, it took me 4 times to realize marriage was a bad idea. What makes you think retirement would be any different?" His lips turned upward in a smile. "Although as much as I'm sure you've missed me, I'm not exactly here on a social call."

"Vanessa Mayer," Melinda guessed. It was a statement, not a question.

Munch nodded, his voice suddenly completely sober. "Yeah, please tell me this is not what it looks like, Melinda." He watched her cross over to a computer and gesture for him to follow her.

"I have never had a body walk out of here before, and I'm not about to start now," Melinda reassured him dryly. "I can't tell you who killed Vanessa Mayer, but I can tell you for damn certain, it was not William Lewis." She pointed at the screen in front of her. "Someone by the name of Sean Williams claimed his body and had it shipped to a funeral home back in Kentucky."

Munch breathed a sigh of relief and met her steady gaze. "That's Lewis' father." He crossed back over to the body lying out on the table. "So then, what else do we know?"

Melinda gestured back to the body she had been working on. "I'm still working on her autopsy, but what I can tell you is cause of death was two gunshot wounds to the back of the head." Melinda paused, pulling the sheet back slightly. "She has ligature marks on her wrists, and I found trace from a sticky residue around her ankles. I've sent it in for analysis, but I suspect…"

"Rope and duct tape," Munch finished quietly.

Melinda nodded. "I'll run them by the lab to see if we can pull any additional trace evidence, but so far it looks like whoever he is, he was careful to make it look like Lewis' M.O."

"Look like?" Munch repeated, a slight glimmer of hope in his voice.

For the first time, Melinda's voice took on an air of newfound confidence. "Looks like," she confirmed. "Lucky for you, I'm damn good at my job. I found two anomalies that are unique to this case." She motioned for him to move closer. "The burn marks on her neck and chest show no signs of healing. My guess…they were inflicted post mortem."

Munch's head shot up. "He burned her after he killed her…to make it look like he was following Lewis' M.O."

Melinda nodded in confirmation. "And that's not all. CSU is running ballistics on the gun but based on the angle of the entry wound and the abrasions I found on her hands and knees, not only was she not hanging by her wrists, but I'm going to guess she was on the ground when he shot her.

* * *

Olivia dug her feet into the ground in a futile attempt to hold back every emotion that threatened to come forward. "Captain, I'm not going to let you sideline me."

Cragen studied the expression on her face carefully. His heart sank at the rigidity in her muscles, at the ashen pallor of her face, at her shallow breathing. "No one said anything about sidelining you." He watched her visibly relax and considered his next words carefully. "Olivia, whoever this is, we can't take a chance he's after you."

"I can handle myself, Captain. I'm not a civilian."

Cragen leaned back against the desk. He wanted to protect her, wanted to ease her pain. It had only taken a few minutes for the weight of it all to come crashing back down upon him. But he knew she could never hear any of it. So instead, he said the only thing he possibly could. "This time, it's not just you I'm worried about."

He saw the look of recognition as it washed over her, and a part of him wished he could take back the words. But the other part of him knew they needed to be said.

"Noah."

Cragen nodded quietly. "Olivia, go home. It's late. Take care of your family. And then get back here because I'm going to need you first thing in the morning. If someone is after you, there's no one that knows every perp you've ever pissed off better than you."

 _Or Elliot._

The words flashed through her mind before she could take them away. She felt suddenly torn between the only life she had ever known and the one her life had been suddenly thrust into. "Okay." Her voice was suddenly quiet, devoid of argument. She wasn't sure if she was responding to his words or the unspoken message beneath them—a message that a part of her desperately needed to fight and a part of her was somehow grateful to have a reason not to need to.

Olivia swept up a pile of files sitting on her desk, tucking them in her bag and allowing her eyes to scan over her office one last time before turning toward the door. But before she could cross over the threshold, she turned back around, finding his eyes one last time. "Hey, Captain," she added quietly. "It's good to have you back."

* * *

"Twice in one day…to what do I owe the pleasure?" Judy pushed back the crime scene tape and gestured for Fin and Rollins to follow her through the doorway. She waved aside one of the CSU techs who approached them.

"Come on, Judy. You know Lewis' MO makes this our top priority." Fin observed.

Judy nodded. "I know." "We've already moved the body to the morgue, but I figured you'd want another look around so we tried to leave as much of the crime scene undisturbed as we could." She nodded to her techs as they started packing up their equipment. "We're just finishing up with the scene for the night."

Amanda's eyes scanned the apartment around her as she stepped inside. She moved around an overturned chair to find an open spot to stand. "It even looks like he's been here," she observed quietly.

Fin nodded in agreement. He felt his stomach turn at the smell of burnt flesh. "Signs of a struggle, overturned furniture—this place looks like it's been ransacked…" He stepped around the shattered remnants of a broken vase. "Pill bottles, alcohol, duct tape, rope, frying pan on the stove." He paused. "It's almost too easy."

Amanda glanced back over at Judy. "How'd he get in?"

Judy pointed to the door. "It looks like he walked right in the front door. I don't see any signs of a break-in. The building super says this unit has been vacant for a few weeks now so it would have been easy for anyone to come right in. The tenant died of natural causes a couple of months back so the family was just getting ready to list it for sale when they found her body."

Fin moved over by the window, observing the twinkling lights surrounding Central Park in the background. "Upper level apartment right on Central Park West. A place like this won't stay vacant for very long," he observed, pointing at the view.

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, so why here?" Lewis' M.O. was to go to abandoned areas where he could keep his vics without anyone noticing. "There's no way he could have kept her here for very long without drawing someone's attention."

"Let's hope so," Fin added grimly. "We'll get some uni's to start canvassing the area first thing in the morning. Maybe somebody saw something."

Judy nodded. "While you're at it, we've cordoned off the immediate vicinity in the park. It's too dark to get much tonight, but we'll try again in the morning when daylight hits."

"Make sure you catalogue everything into evidence," Amanda added, taking one last look around. "We'll try to get the family to look it over and see if anything doesn't belong."

"Whatever it is, you better believe we're going to find it." Judy turned back toward them, her face suddenly serious. "How's Olivia holding up?"

Fin's voice was quiet when he responded. "She's hanging in there." His eyes scanned the room around him one last time before stepping back outside of the door. "I think the sooner we can establish this wasn't Lewis, the better off everyone will be."

Judy nodded in return and followed him. "She's been through a lot. I just hope she realizes that she's not alone in this."

* * *

Olivia's footsteps were quiet, cautious as she walked along the empty hallway. She reached forward slowly, turning her key in the lock in front of her and watching as the door opened a crack. At the sound of footsteps behind her, she whipped around, instinctively reaching for her weapon. Her head shot up, quickly orienting to the hallway only to find her neighbor coming around the corner. He nodded to her before going inside his apartment, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

 _Pull yourself together_ , she chided herself gently. She pushed the door open further, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the bright lights.

"Look who's home?" Lucy cooed, shifting Noah in her arms. She flashed a smile. "Hi Olivia."

Olivia felt her body instantly relax as she moved closer to Noah, allowing the door to fall shut behind her. "Come here, Noah." She reached over and swept him up in her arms. As she carried him over to lock the door behind her, she felt herself tightening her grip on him ever so slightly. She expelled the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding, making a conscious effort to try to soften her hold on him so he didn't pick up on her tension. She turned her attention to the young woman across from her. "Thank you, Lucy. You're a life saver."

"Rough day?" Lucy asked quietly.

Olivia nodded, choosing to maintain her focus on Noah as he snuggled into her shoulder. "Yeah, the beginning of a lot of rough days." She felt herself gently swaying side to side, and for a moment she wondered if the movement was meant to soothe him or her. She brushed her fingers through his soft hair and slowly drew her attention back up to Lucy. "Lucy," she began quietly. "Do you remember the safety plan we talked about when you first started?"

Lucy's head snapped up in surprise. "Yes, of course."

Olivia drew in a shaky breath. "I'd like you to follow that, at least for now…for the next few days. It may be nothing, but I just…I want to make sure." She shot her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I know it will be late hours."

Lucy waved her hand aside. "Don't worry about us, Olivia." She squeezed Noah's foot gently. "I'll make sure he's safe." She glanced back up at Olivia. "Besides, my mother will be happy to have us. Just focus on what you need to do for you," she added quietly. Lucy gathered up her bag and turned back toward Noah to say goodbye before heading to the door. Leaning over to give him a quick kiss goodbye, she straightened herself. "I'll see you in the morning. Try to get some rest, Olivia."

Olivia nodded, walking her to the door. "Thanks Lucy. Have a good night." As she watched the door close again behind her, she turned both locks. As she did, Noah shifted slightly in her arms, raising a sleepy gaze briefly toward her before nuzzling back onto her shoulder.

As soon as the door closed behind Lucy, Olivia felt the tears spring back to her eyes. She walked through the house, checking each of the doors and locks before feeling satisfied that she was alone. Carefully balancing Noah in her arms, she stepped into the kitchen and opened the cupboard to grab an empty wine glass. She loosened the cork from the bottle still sitting out on the counter and poured herself a glass, leaving the bottle behind as she crossed back over into the living room.

Exhaustion settled over her as she finally allowed herself to acknowledge the emotions she had been pushing back all day. Guilt slowly began to creep in. "You've been through enough," she whispered to Noah. "It's my job to protect you." She set her wine glass on the coffee table in front of her while settling into a spot on the couch, shifting him slightly in her arms as she did so. She watched him curl his fingers around one of her own and look up toward her.

His eyes held hers for a long moment. Her voice was soft as she spoke to him. "I don't know what's going to happen, little man, but I do know that I will always protect you." She gently caressed his cheek and watched him turn his face toward her touch. She felt her body mold protectively around his and smiled back at him. "I know you don't understand any of this, but it's okay. I'm going to try to be brave enough for both of us."

She reached for the glass of wine and took a sip, allowing the warmth of it to permeate her body. She felt so cold. She watched his eyes flutter closed again, felt his body relaxing under her touch, and watched him drift off into sleep.

 _When you were a little girl, you saw your mother drinking, falling apart. You realized your father hurt your mother. She was damaged. You were defenseless then. You're not now._

Dr. Lindstrom's words sprang to mind as she caught herself pulling the glass up to her lips for another sip. Without taking a drink, she set her glass back down, pushing it further away from her and closed her eyes. A solitary tear slowly trickled down her cheek.

"But I am." She didn't even realize she had spoken the words aloud until she saw Noah's eyes flutter open slightly and then drift shut again. She could feel the tears burning in her eyes and no matter how much she tried to hold them back, she felt them beginning to fall. She felt as defenseless now as she did then.

 _Olivia, it's time to let Lewis go._

Lewis.

Lowell Harris.

Her father.

Suddenly, she had no idea who it was she was holding onto anymore. She had no idea _what_ she was holding onto anymore. Days turned into weeks which turned into months, then years. She still felt no closer to some myth called recovery, to a past that continued to haunt her, or to a present nightmare from which she felt she could never escape.

She felt alone—completely and utterly alone. And somehow that was worse than anything else. It was the one piece she had never allowed herself to acknowledge, not even to her own therapist.

 _Every victim holds something back._

The words were ones she had spoken so many times over the years that they had become a part of her being. And yet, in the months that had followed, it was the one thing that she desperately hoped no one else would unearth.

It was one thing to survive the abuse. It was a whole other thing to want it, to ask for it.

 _Do what you're gonna do._

She had acknowledged the words in her statement to IAB—admitted to telling Lewis to rape her. But she didn't dare admit the tiny piece of her that had felt grateful when he had come back. She had always prided herself on her own independence, on having learned to take care of herself from the time she was a child with an absentee mother more interested in a bottle than in fixing her child dinner.

But in the moments when Lewis did leave her behind, she had been forced to pray to a god she scarcely believed in that his return might mean a chance to meet her most basic needs for survival.

 _Elliot._

Her fingers instinctively clutched the empty space left behind from a chain she had long since stopped wearing—the pain of putting it on every morning too much of a reminder of all that she had lost. Now, it was replaced with the scars left behind-burn marks that served as a daily reminder of a past she could never seem to walk away from.

He was right to have walked away. How the hell could she have ever kept him safe if she couldn't even do the same for herself? How the hell was she supposed to keep Noah safe?

Her eyes flew back to the rising and falling of his chest, and she gently wiped away the remnants of tears on her cheek. Her words were barely more than a whisper again when she spoke. "No matter what happens, I'm not going to let anything happen to you ever again."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

* * *

"Good morning, sunshine."

Fin glared back at Munch as he dropped his jacket on the back of his chair. "What the hell are you so chipper for?"

Munch shot back an innocent look. "It's a glorious Lewis-free morning. The sun is shining, the birds are singing. What's not to be chipper about?" He paused ceremoniously, waiting for everyone's attention. "Besides, I just made a pot of my very own, specially blended, never duplicated cup of joe."

Fin pushed away the mug in front of him. "Yeah, that's one way of putting it."

Amanda paused in the middle of pouring herself a cup of coffee and hesitated. "Seriously, who let Munch make the coffee?"

Cragen stepped outside of his office, doing his best to fight back a small smile while holding onto the to go cup he had grabbed on his way into the precinct. "You'd think somebody else would have learned by now." His face turned suddenly serious. "Has anyone heard from Olivia yet?"

Fin looked up quickly. "Yeah, she said she had to run an errand before she came in this morning."

Cragen expelled the breath he had been holding. "Okay, people, so what have we got?"

Amanda sauntered over. "Crime scene doesn't look good," she observed quietly. "It looks like Lewis all over again. But the location of the body doesn't fit his M.O." She paused, pulling up a map on the computer next to her and gesturing toward it. "The body was found in a vacant apartment, but it's in a building right on Central Park West."

Fin nodded. "Lots of foot traffic," he added. "We have uni's canvassing the area right now. Hopefully, in that location, somebody saw something,"

Cragen stared carefully at the map on the screen in front of him. "Hopefully they're willing to talk about it," he mused. He glanced over toward Fin. "Talk to the family that owns it, and make sure you check out the park too. I want to know if anything looks out of place."

Fin crossed his arms over his chest. "Already on it, Captain."

"Good." Cragen allowed his eyes to shift over toward Munch. "What else have we got?"

Munch waited for everyone to shift their focus over to him before he responded. "Aww, are you ready for me to impart my vast knowledge of mortuary science?" Without waiting for a response, he continued. "You know, I've actually spent a fair amount of time amongst the deceased, and I'm not just talking about my stint with homicide. Did I ever mention my brother owns a funeral parlor?"

Cragen rolled his eyes. "On more than one occasion," he responded drily. "Just give me the cliff notes version, John."

"It's not Lewis," Munch announced, his voice suddenly serious. "The ligature marks on her wrists weren't from being hung. Forensics say she was on the ground when he shot her. And…" He paused for a moment as he watched the impact of his words sink in. "The cigarette burns were inflicted post mortem."

There was a momentary pause as his words registered among them. Amanda breathed a sigh of relief before breaking the silence. "Could be a copycat."

Fin nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "Or someone with a serious grudge against Olivia."

Munch glanced back and forth. "Or maybe neither. Are we absolutely positive Lewis was working alone?"

Cragen's voice was suddenly tense. "The victim statements are all consistent. There's no mention of another perp."

Amanda nodded slowly. "Lewis was known for traumatizing his victims to the extent that they couldn't testify. The vics could have left a second perp out."

Fin shook his head. "Nah, I don't see Lewis letting anyone else in on his fun. Besides, we may not know the other vics, but Liv never mentioned a second perp either."

They all glanced at each other. Amanda hedged her next words carefully. "How much do we really know about what happened at that beach house?" she asked quietly.

Fin glanced down at his feet uncertainly. He weighed his next words carefully, turning toward Cragen as if seeking permission. "It wouldn't be the first time she left something out."

Cragen drew his head up slowly, wanting so much to protect her, to hold onto her secrets. And yet, he knew that the time to do so had long since passed. "Sealview."

Amanda's eyes darted back and forth between them. "Sealview?" It was a question, not a statement.

Fin nodded. "A few years ago, Olivia went undercover at Sealview to find a guard who was raping inmates." He hesitated before continuing. "She was sexually assaulted by one of the guards while she was there," he finished quietly.

There was a momentary silence before Cragen jumped back in, his voice grim. "I'll talk to Olivia when she gets here." He gestured back toward them. "Rollins, Fin…go back to the crime scene. Track down the daughter and see if she doesn't recognize anything left behind. Munch, start going through everything from Rikers—visitor logs, phone calls, everything. If Lewis had a secret admirer or a partner, I want to know about them." Cragen hesitated. "In the meantime, I'll reach out to see if we can get a profile on this guy so we know what we're looking for."

* * *

"Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice. I…I didn't know where else to turn." Olivia could feel the rigidity in her body as she allowed herself to sink into the chair, her hands reaching for a tissue on the table in front of her.

Dr. Lindstrom studied her from across the room before finding a seat across from her, observing the stark contrast between the apparent tension in her muscles and her last appointment. Her hands were wringing the tissue in her hands as if holding on for dear life. He softened his voice slightly. "What's going on, Olivia?"

As much as she tried to fight to hold it back, she could hear her voice trembling. "I just feel like it's all coming back…like he's coming back," She struggled to steady her voice. "I know, in my head, that doesn't make any sense. But this case…" She trailed off as the tears suddenly spilled forward. "I just…I feel like I don't know what else it could be."

Her speech was broken, rapid, and he struggled to follow along with her story, "Olivia," he interrupted gently. "Olivia, look at me." It took a moment for his words to register. He observed the blank look on her face, and then watched as recognition gradually took hold. "Okay, good," he encouraged her. "Now I want you to look around my office and notice that you're safe right here. Lewis is gone. It's just the two of us in this room."

He could sense her breathing beginning to slow down, her field of vision beginning to widen as her eyes scanned around the room, settling on the picture across from her. "I'm sorry." Her eyes returned back over to his. "You're right. I don't know why…I just…I know it doesn't make any sense. I know that he's gone. I just…" Her eyes shifted to look upward. She took a deep breath. "Every time it feels like it's over, it's not. It's back again. And I…I just don't know how much more of this I can take."

Olivia glanced down at her phone as she heard it vibrate. She took a moment to distract herself, reaching for it. She stood up quickly. "Sorry, it's my captain. He's back at work for this case." She read the incoming text and hesitated for a moment, turning toward him again to watch his response to her next words. "He doesn't think it's Lewis, but he thinks we might need somebody to profile the case." She shifted her weight slightly. "Listen, I know what you said before, but I…"

"Olivia…" Dr, Lindstrom held up one hand to pause her in the middle of her thought. "Olivia, I can't be a part of this case. My job is to be here to support you through your feelings, not as a liaison to your squad. Now I went against my better judgement before, and I agreed to meet with Jenny Aschler for a consultation. But I think we can both agree that did not go as planned." He hesitated as another thought occurred to him. "But if your captain is looking for help on this case, I think I might know who you could call."

* * *

"Ms. Ramirez?"

The woman who answered the door glanced back and forth between Amanda and Fin, observing their badges sharply before widening the door to allow them into her apartment. Her smile was suddenly warmer. "Forgive me, detectives. I wasn't expecting company." She gestured for them to follow her into the living room. "Please, call me Marie."

As Amanda chose a spot on the couch, she allowed her voice to soften. "We are so sorry to hear about your loss."

Marie raised her eyes to meet theirs before sinking into a nearby arm chair. "Thank you." She reached over to accept the pictures that Fin handed her and began to thumb through them. She glanced up apologetically. "I wish I could do more to help you. But honestly, I've been so overwhelmed since Mama passed away. I haven't been anywhere near her apartment in two weeks. I'm not sure that I would even begin to know what does or doesn't belong there."

Fin nodded quietly. "I'm sure you're going through a lot right now." He motioned for her to keep the pictures. "If anything comes to you, let us know."

She nodded quickly, setting them aside next to her. "Of course."

Fin glanced over at Amanda for a moment. "Did anyone else know that her apartment was vacant?"

Marie nodded quickly. "Of course. I didn't exactly try to hide it. I brought in a real estate company to look over the property shortly after Mama passed, but to be honest, I wasn't ready to deal with going through her belongings just yet. I was still grieving."

Fin studied her carefully. "You wouldn't happen to have the name of the real estate agent you've been working with, do you?"

"Of course. Her name is Kim. Kim Barron. She's been very patient with us."

Amanda glanced over at the family picture on the fireplace. "You have a beautiful family," she observed casually. "Could any of them have been in the apartment?"

Marie shook her head. "I can't imagine anyone else having a reason to go there." She hesitated. "My brother was the only other person who had a key." She hesitated, lowering her gaze slightly. "He didn't take Mama's death very well and ended up relapsing on heroine," she explained apologetically. "He lost his job, his marriage, everything." She hesitated. "But things are looking up for him. He just got out of rehab, he's been working an outpatient program…he even got a new job."

"Do you know where we would find him?" Fin ventured carefully, attempting to keep his voice even.

Marie hesitated, thumbing through a stack of cards she pulled out from her bag. "He lives in Spanish Harlem. But he's not there very often. You might have better luck reaching him at work. Just…" She paused, glancing over nervously. "He just started a new job so I don't want to get him in any trouble."

"That's not a problem. We can be discreet," Amanda replied quickly. "Do you happen to know the name of this new company?"

Marie sighed in relief. "Of course. It's a promotional company in Chelsea." She reached for her bag and pulled out her wallet, digging out a stack of business cards. She began to thumb through them as she spoke. "Forgive me. I'm trying to remember the name of it. I know it started with an A…Avalon, Avelo…no, wait." Triumphantly, she held up the card in her hand. "AivilO."

* * *

"Olivia, it's been awhile. How are you?"

Olivia hesitated, wondering how the hell she was supposed to answer that question. Her mouth suddenly felt dry. She simply shook her head, wrapping her fingers around the mug in her hand as if to somehow warm them. She brought the cup to her lips and fought to hold herself together, to find the words needed to respond to a question she was terrified to answer for herself.

Especially not to him.

It was one thing to talk to Dr. Lindstrom—to a perfect stranger who knew one part of her, a perfect stranger who only knew as much as she shared. She was always the one in control. She was always the one to decide when it was too much—the one to tread that line between sharing just enough and too much. When she crossed that line, there was no going back. It was why she had changed therapists three times so far—going from seeing Dr. Fulton, to Margo, and finally to Dr. Lindstrom.

Running. It was her pattern, her protection—the only thing that she had ever known. And now, Olivia realized there was nowhere to run from the man seated across from her now.

It was a whole other story to open up to him.

There was a history there—years spent together with someone who could read and understand not just the words that were spoken, but also those that she held back. It was a history that knew not only her present, but also her past—a past that extended long beyond her years at SVU.

She swallowed hard, finally deciding on an honest response. "I don't know how to answer that question, Doc."

Huang studied her carefully in front of him—noticing the way her fingers gripped the coffee mug in front of her as if for dear life. "Cragen told me about what happened with Lewis," he prompted gently. The words were all it took. He saw her shoulders crumble forward as his words penetrated the fragile shield still holding her together. A solitary tear rolled down her cheek.

Olivia's voice was soft when she responded. "I don't understand why I can't just stop this. I…know it's not him. I know it can't be him."

Huang nodded. "Just because you understand it rationally doesn't mean that you're still not reacting as if it were true." He paused for a moment, trying to find the words he knew she needed to hear. "You've experienced significant trauma, Olivia. Sometimes, when that happens, the part of your brain that is supposed to tell your body the threat is over doesn't work in the way that it's intended to. On a cognitive level, you may understand that the threat is not real, but your body is responding to it as if it were."

"So how do I fix it?"

There was a part of him that desperately wanted to give her the relief she was seeking. But in the end, he settled with the truth. "There's no easy answer to that question, Olivia. It takes time." He paused. "It helps to find out that the threat your body is reacting to is not real. But in your case…"

His words hit her hard. Her response was suddenly quiet. "The threat is still real."

Huang nodded. "It may not be Lewis, but a threat is still present. I don't know how much relief you will feel until this case is over, and the real threat is behind bars."

Olivia leaned back in her seat, allowing her eyes to drop ever so slightly as the reality behind his words sank in. "But there's always another case."

He nodded again. "Yes, over time, it will get easier to manage. But right now, your body is just trying to protect you. The triggers, the flashbacks, the nightmares—they're your body's way of trying to help you put the pieces back together, Olivia."

Her eyes finally turned back toward his, her gaze steely. She sat up slightly taller, lifting her chin ever so slightly. "I'm not leaving this job, George. I won't do it."

He nodded. "I know. No one is asking you to leave. But you do need to recognize the effect that this case is having on you. I need you to tell me if it becomes too much."

"That's why I've been in therapy." Olivia could feel the defensiveness in her words.

Huang hesitated, wondering if she was ready to hear his next words. "And I think that's a great start, Olivia. But are you also exploring your choice to try to adopt a son?"

Olivia's head snapped up in surprise. "Noah? What are you talking about?"

"Olivia, have you ever asked yourself why you decided to start a family a year after you were kidnapped by Lewis?"

"I know where you're going with this." Olivia glared back at him. "I am not my mother. The judge asked me if I wanted to be Noah's foster mother, not the other way around. I didn't go looking for him."

"Or maybe you're trying to re-enact what happened with your mother," Huang proposed.

 _He wants to stand up in open court and give graphic details of what he did not do to me?_

Olivia attempted to push aside the words her subconscious was screaming out to her. "My mother was raped." She glanced up quickly. "Lewis never raped me."

"No, but he did sexually assault you." Huang raised his gaze to meet hers. "Olivia, you can tell yourself that what Joseph Hollister did to your mother was worse than what Lewis did to you. But the truth is, it doesn't matter. You can't compare one person's experience to another's. Now you know that survivors of sexual assault cope with the same feelings as survivors who are raped—only sometimes they feel that their feelings aren't as valid."

Olivia could feel the tears welling up in her eyes.

 _No, he does not get to do that to me._

Huang's voice softened slightly. "Now, I know that the fact that Lewis didn't rape you is important to you, but Olivia, you can't just tell me that the opportunity to foster Noah was coincidental. You made a choice to follow his case—to show up to every court date. You didn't have to do that."

Olivia suddenly felt completely exposed. She wanted to run away, to deny the truth behind his words. When she spoke, she hated the vulnerability in her words. "George, I'm so tired of being alone."

He nodded silently. "Then why did you push away Cassidy?"

 _I thought I was pregnant…I guess I should be relieved, right? Brian is._

"I didn't." The words sounded futile to her own ears. "We both wanted two different things." She averted her eyes away from his, wanting to deny the truth hinted at in his words. She had managed to do so with Dr. Lindstrom. She had convinced him that her desire for a family was so different from that of Cassidy.

 _Ever think about having kids…I think about it all the time._

She closed her eyes, pushing away Cassidy's words—ones spoken to Munch fifteen years before the possibility of them starting a family together ever came up. They were ones she hadn't dared reveal to Dr. Lindstrom. It was just easier that way.

"Olivia, survivors of sexual assault often make changes in their life following their assault—they might change their physical appearance, move, change schools or jobs, end relationships…"

Olivia closed her eyes...wanting so much to block out the truth behind his words. "I never changed jobs." She scarcely wanted to admit it was the only one she could claim.

"Not your job at SVU," Huang agreed quietly. "But Olivia, sometimes becoming a mom is a job in and of itself."

Damnit. The tiny piece of denial she had been clinging to dissipated with his words.

Huang hesitated, wondering if she could handle the words that he knew would follow. "Olivia, you said you were tired of being alone. Noah is physically dependent on you to survive. He can't leave you." He gauged her reaction to his words carefully before continuing. "But Cassidy…I hear you saying you wanted different things. But I wonder if maybe you chose to push him away because of the fear that if you didn't, he might be yet another person in your life abandoning you in your time of need."

Someone like Elliot.

The name was never spoken, but Huang's words treaded cautiously, speaking in circles around the name—waiting to see if she would pick up the pieces he left dangling for her.

She didn't.

Olivia pushed herself to her feet quickly, turning toward the door. "I'm sorry. I have to go." She could feel herself running out through the door long before the tears could even begin to fall.

* * *

"Fin, what's going on?" Amanda's legs pumped furiously as she struggled to catch up with her partner. She slid quickly into the sedan and turned toward him, an inquisitive look on her face.

Fin slammed the car door shut behind him and took a moment to study the card in his hand before he responded to the confusion registering on Amanda's face. Wordlessly, he handed the card back over to her. "We need to call the captain now."

Amanda glanced at the card in her hand, her face still registering with confusion. "Why? What's wrong?"

Fin took a deep breath, desperately trying to make sense of the questions swirling all around him. "AivilO," he repeated quietly. "Try spelling it backwards."

 _A.I.V.I.L.O_

"Olivia." Amanda's words registered shock as she began to decipher the underlying meaning beneath Fin's response. She took a deep breath. "This is personal."

Fin was already dialing Cragen on his phone. As it began ringing, he glanced up. "You have no idea." He paused for a moment, waiting for a response on the other end. When he received one, his words were suddenly grim. "Captain, we've got a problem." His eyes slipped closed as he said the only words he could think of to offer in the moment. "Now we have two perps who have come back from the dead."


	4. Chapter 4

**_Potential trigger warning:_** The beginning of this chapter contains flashbacks from Season 3's "Wrath" and Season 15's "Beast's Obsession" (the Russian roulette scene). The dialogue in the flashback is not mine. It belongs to Dick Wolf and his writers. As always, all flashbacks are always written in italics. Everyone has different experiences in their life. Only you know what will or will not be triggering for you. I have tried to make it easy to find so that you can skip over this section if needed.

* * *

Chapter 4

* * *

"Talk to me people."

"Eric Plummer." Fin planted a photograph on the board in front of Cragen, his face completely serious. He took a deep breath. "Plummer was shot and killed by Olivia in 2001 after taking Janice Kirt hostage at gunpoint."

Munch nodded in agreement. "Before that, he stalked and tortured Olivia by tracking down victims from former cases she had worked on. He enticed three of them to come to the office of a promotional company by the name of AivilO."

"He also dropped a package on my doorstep with the father of another victim," Olivia broke in quietly.

"But he's dead, right?" Amanda clarified.

"Yeah." Olivia took a deep breath. "It was suicide by cop. He played mind games with me up until the end-telling me that there were no bullets in his gun." She closed her eyes to fight back the image that sprang to mind.

 _Time stood still as she took in the scene before her. She could see Plummer's finger on the trigger beginning to twitch. But it was his whispered response that momentarily froze her in place. "There aren't any bullets in my gun."_

 _Time stood still. She felt frozen in place. Her eyes were trained on the gun held to Janice's head. Her thoughts were racing, desperately seeking any other option. There were none. Olivia's hands began to tremble as she squeezed the trigger. Her eyes briefly slid closed only to open again in time to watch Plummer's lifeless body recoil back from the impact of the shot before collapsing to the ground._

"It was a good shoot," Cragen added quickly, carefully watching the far off look on Olivia's face beginning to take hold. "Olivia came onto the scene after the first shot was fired. There was no way to know definitively whether he was telling the truth or not. Olivia had to make a judgement call."

Olivia didn't even hear Cragen's words.

 _She could feel the weight of the gun in her hand. Her voice fought for the strength her body was so desperate to find. She glared back at Lewis. "They're coming for you."_

 _She felt the sting from his hand across her face in response, heard her voice crying out. But somehow, she felt removed from it all._

 _"Pull the trigger, or I'll shoot you in the head."_

 _Her mind was racing, desperately weighing her options. But there were none. She could hear Amelia's quiet cries, and she wanted desperately to take her in her arms and tell her she was going to be okay._

 _The angle of the gun felt awkward in her hand, and it occurred to her that as often as she had held one, it had never been like this. She could feel her hands trembling, giving away the fear she was so desperate to hide._

 _"Do it. Do it, Olivia." She could feel herself starting to float off when she saw him point the gun toward Amelia again._

 _She felt herself instantly snap back to reality. "No, don't. Don't." Olivia could hear Amelia's cries escalating, saw her shrinking away from him, pulling against the rope binding her hands above her head. "Don't!" Her voice suddenly filled with resolve. "Okay...okay."_

 _"It's your turn." Lewis' voice was eerily calm in stark contrast to the pounding of her heart._

 _She felt her finger on the trigger, felt the iciness of the barrel pressed against her temple. She had found herself at gunpoint so many times. But this was different. Her body was screaming in protest, ambivalence waging war against her need to protect Amelia and her body's instinctive need to protect itself. She could feel her chin ducking to her chest, fighting against all odds to shield her from the damage of the awaiting bullet._

 _This was it. This was the end. She closed her eyes as her finger closed around the trigger. Olivia could feel her hand trembling in response, heard the ragged exhale that escaped from her mouth, felt her lower lip quivering as she waited for the bullet to tear into her flesh._

 _It wasn't until she opened her eyes again and saw the satisfied smile spread across his face that she realized she was still alive._

 _He reached across from her, tearing the gun from her hand. Her arm dropped limply to her side. "My turn." To her ears, his voice sounded almost gleeful. She flinched in response, warily watching his every movement with a newfound sense of hypervigilance._

 _"You know what's ironic about your little confession," he prodded. "Even if you tell people that I shot myself, they're not going to believe you now. They're gonna assume..." She felt her entire body flinch as she heard the click from the gun as he pulled the hammer back."That you shot me in cold blood," he continued, his voice satisfied by her response. "No excuses now." Without a moment of hesitation, he squeezed the trigger._

"Olivia. Olivia, listen to me. It's Huang." Olivia blinked slowly, her gaze fixated in front of her. "Olivia, you're in the squad room. You're safe."

Slowly, Huang's voice permeated her thoughts, anchoring her back to the moment. Olivia barely recognized the strangled cry that came out. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Cragen came over beside her, silencing them all with a single look. He gently wrapped one arm around her and led her upstairs to the crib away from everyone else.

Her eyes were stinging with tears. "Captain, I'm fine."

He wanted to believe her, wanted desperately to give her that one little piece of autonomy and control she was so desperate to find. He swallowed hard. "No, Olivia. You're not." He hesitated as he studied her. His voice softened slightly. "And that's okay. Under the circumstances, I don't know that any of us would be much better."

His words had their intended effect on her. She sank down on one of the abandoned bunks, wearily bringing her gaze back up to meet his.

"I just don't understand what's happening."

"I know." His words were simple, straight to the point. "Listen, Olivia. No one would fault you for needing a break from this case."

"Captain, I don't need a break. I just...I need to work."

He swallowed hard, bracing himself against the weight of his own words. "Olivia, you understand that I cannot send you out in the field."

He watched his words snatch away the tiny piece of control with which she was still clinging. "Not today," he amended. "Now, I don't know what this guy's agenda is, but he clearly has you in his sights. I am not about to give him the satisfaction."

"Captain, I can handle myself. I'm not a civilian." Her words sounded empty, even to her own ears.

"This isn't about handling anything." He swallowed hard, wondering how the hell Elliot had managed to temper that stubborn drive for over a decade when he could barely manage to do so in one moment. "It's about making sure you get home safe tonight."

"How long of a break are we talking?" Olivia's voice was tinted with resignation.

"As long as you need," he added quietly. "Take some time to pull yourself together. Then meet me in my office." He scarcely wanted to admit he was terrified to have her leave his sight, terrified of what might happen if he asked her to leave the house. His voice was quiet when he spoke again. "When you're ready, I'm going to need you to tell me everything you remember about Eric Plummer."

* * *

"Is she..." Amanda's words broke the silence as Cragen came back into the room.

His lack of a response spoke volumes, dismissing any attempts at further questions without a word. Cragen turned toward Huang. "Please tell me you have a read on this guy."

Huang turned back toward the others thoughtfully. "He's targeting Detective Benson. He's been studying her for awhile, maybe even years-latching onto every case he finds where he perceives her to be vulnerable. It's a power struggle for him. His need to find weakness suggests that he feels threatened by her. He's trying to break her down so that he feels he has control again."

"What do you mean again?" Munch interrupted. Are we looking at someone we know?"

"Very likely. He feels rejected by her, maybe even emasculated by her. Look at the way he staged the body. He chose to emulate Lewis' MO, suggesting that he admires the control that Lewis had over Olivia. But he's not as experienced. His choice to mutilate the bodies post mortem suggests a lack of confidence which means he may continue to escalate as he gets more confident. If there aren't other victims already out there, there will be soon."

Amanda hesitated, pointing to a picture up on the board. "So this David Ramirez..."

"Is likely another pawn in his game," Huang proposed. "Based on the history given by the sister, he's probably not sophisticated enough to pull something like this off. He's playing cat and mouse with us. He wanted you to find AivilO so that you would make the connection back to Eric Plummer. He's using Plummer's MO to set the boundaries of the game."

"So this is like some sick, twisted game to him?" Fin crossed his arms over his chest. "So what's his end game?"

"Complete control over Detective Benson." Huang confirmed quietly.

"So he's just getting started?" Olivia's voice was stronger, firmer now as she rounded the final step and crossed the bullpen to meet the others. She straightened up, any trace of emotion gone. "So where do we go from here?"

Cragen hesitated, weighing his options. "We follow AivilO," he decided. "Munch and Fin, head down to the address on the card. He's pointing us there for a reason." Cragen studied the steely look on Olivia's face carefully before shifting his eyes away. "Amanda, go talk to the real estate agency. I want to know if anyone else had access to the crime scene."

"Captain, what about me?" Olivia's eyes were still trained on his. Her voice was suddenly quiet.

Cragen hesitated. As much as he wanted to hold her back, he knew the real danger came when she flew off on her own. His voice was grudging when he spoke. "I'm going to need your help here," he ventured carefully. "Tell me everything you remember about Plummer. Our perp is getting his intel from somewhere. See if you can find any inconsistencies in his MO that we can use to nail the son of a bitch."

* * *

"Kim Barron?" The woman across from her froze in place as Amanda flashed her badge. "I'm Detective Rollins from SVU."

"Detective?" The woman paused, her voice hesitant. "What can I do for the police?"

Amanda's eyes scanned the office around her, observing the lack of personal details around the office. It seemed somehow formal. Amanda didn't bother to mince words. "I wanted to ask you how a body showed up in an apartment you were selling."

The woman instantly paled. "Ms. Ramirez said you might stop by." She swallowed hard. "Honestly, I have no idea. I've only been inside the apartment one time." She took a seat. "Let me explain. Ms. Ramirez asked me to do a walk-through to discuss putting it on the market. But she wasn't ready." Her voice softened. "Poor thing was still grieving."

"So who else had access to the apartment?"

Kim looked surprised. "No one. She wasn't ready to list it officially yet so we didn't have access to the home yet. I suppose that would change eventually. But at this point..." She stood up. "I'm sorry I can't be more help, but I really must be leaving. I have a buyer I need to meet on the upper east side."

Amanda looked surprised. She handed over her card. "Well, if you think of anything else, give me a call."

Kim took the card, quickly tucking it away and turning her back for a moment as she grabbed her bag. "I will."

Amanda hesitated. "Just one last thing. Did you have a record anywhere of potential listings?"

Kim turned back around and nodded. "Of course. But it's just an internal record. No one else would have access to it. It's just me." She shifted her weight as she grabbed her bag, flashing a quick smile. "I learned a long time ago that bringing other people into the business just leads to trouble. It's easier this way." She paused impatiently. "Forgive me, detective. But I really must run. I will call you if I think of anything."

* * *

"Eric Plummer served seven years after being convicted of rape and murder. It wasn't until DNA evidence was available after the fact that he was exonerated." Olivia dropped into a chair in Cragen's old office "But he blamed me for his incarceration and what happened while he was there."

"I remember. He was beaten, raped, and tortured while in prison," Cragen recalled, studying her carefully across from the desk.

Olivia nodded quietly. "Yes."

"He developed a fixation on Olivia, tracking down old cases she had worked on," Huang added. "He identified with the victims in these cases, believing that they were in pain from the hurt that Olivia had caused so he gave them a drink laced with Valium and Potassium Chloride."

"We were able to identify that all three victims had received letters offering them a free computer so we traced the letters to a promotional company down in Chelsea. That was when we found AivilO and confirmed the connection was me," Olivia added.

Cragen tried to wrack his memory for further details. "Wasn't there a fourth victim?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, Bruce Derricks. I woke up in the middle of the night to the intercom going off in my apartment. When I went to check it out, he'd left Derricks' body at my doorstep, wrapped up like some damn gift."

Huang walked across the room and chose a seat next to Olivia. "But he saw Bruce as a perp so he drugged him with Pavulon instead."

Cragen glanced back and forth between the two of them. "Did we ever find out how he tracked down all of your cases?"

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing concrete. One theory was he could have been following the media stories since all of the cases were well publicized." Her eyes shifted back and forth between them as if weighing her next words carefully. "The other theory is that he could have been stalking me."

Cragen sighed. "I don't like this," he added quietly. "Was there anyone else in Plummer's life who could have held a grudge against you?"

"His wife would barely talk to me she was so angry, but I don't see her doing this." Olivia hesitated. "His boss was pretty defensive too. But honestly, can you blame the guy? At the time, he saw Plummer as a victim who had been wrongly convicted."

Cragen turned toward Huang helplessly. "So what are we looking for, Doc?"

Huang shifted slightly in his seat. "He's been planning this for a long time, perhaps even years-just waiting for the right time. Olivia's public confession and her trial after Lewis' death may have been the trigger for him." Olivia's eyes fluttered shut. Huang studied her carefully as he continued. "He's likely a middle age Caucasian male, educated, middle to upper class."

Cragen twirled the pen in his hand. "Well, that narrows it down," he responded sarcastically.

Huang glanced sideways at Cragen before continuing. "He knows Olivia-maybe from an old case, maybe in some other capacity. But for whatever reason, he's fantasized this entire relationship with her. He feels challenged and rejected by her."

Olivia glanced pointedly at Cragen. "Then let me try to lure him out."

Huang paused. "Not yet. He's not ready to come out just yet. He wants to unnerve you, to control how you're feeling. The sheer amount of time and energy he's invested into your old cases reflects an immense amount of patience and self control. He's going to fight to keep that any way he can."

Cragen's phone pierced the momentary silence left behind. "Captain Cragen." He listened intently to the voice on the other end of the line before hanging up the phone. He turned toward them slowly, trying to find the words he knew he needed to offer them. "That was Munch," he began quietly. He drew in a deep breath. "Olivia, they found another vic."

Olivia was frozen in place. It wasn't his words themselves that got to her. It was the burden of those unspoken that suddenly weighed down his shoulders. It was the lowering of his head as he struggled to find the words he needed to offer her. It was the empty, hollow look left behind.

The only sound Olivia could hear through the sudden silence in the room was the pounding of her heart. She swallowed hard. "What do you mean they found another vic?" She drew in a shaky breath. "Who is it, Captain?"

Before he could answer, there was a rap on the door. Cragen drew his focus up slowly. "Come in."

Amanda stepped into Cragen's office and cleared her throat. "Sorry to interrupt, Captain, but..."

Her words trailed off as Olivia caught sight of the man standing behind her. "Simon!" Her voice was suddenly hesitant. "Simon, what are you doing here?"

His face was pale, but the anxiety was apparent in his body language. When he finally spoke, his voice was stricken. "Olivia, I didn't know what else to do, where else to go."

Olivia felt as if everything around her suddenly came crashing to a halt. She could feel the guilt tightening in the back of her throat, knowing his response long before she even asked the words that tumbled out. "Simon, what is it?"

Huang had already stood up and moved aside to allow him to slide into the seat next to Olivia. "It's my girlfriend, Tracey." His eyes turned toward her, pleading for help as the first tear began to fall. Olivia wrapped her arms around him in a comforting embrace. "She's been missing for two days."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

* * *

 _She's been missing for two days._

Olivia drew her head up slowly, searching for Cragen's eyes. His silent nod confirmed her fears without a word. She desperately searched for the words she knew she needed to offer Simon.

Cragen beat her to it. "We found her." His words were simple, straight to the point.

Simon whipped his head up again. "What do you mean you found her? Where is she?" He drew in a shaky breath. "Is she okay?"

Cragen rose to his feet. "She's alive." He gestured for them to move toward the door. "Come on. Olivia will give you a ride there. She's been taken to Bellevue Hospital."

Amanda, sensing Cragen's desire to talk to Olivia alone, ushered Simon back into the bullpen. "Come on. I'll show you to the car."

As soon as he was out of earshot, Cragen turned back toward Olivia. "Munch and Fin found her at the office for AivilO. It doesn't look good," he added quietly."

Olivia's eyes darted back and forth. "But she's still alive?" she confirmed, her voice sharp.

Cragen raised his gaze slowly. "Yes," he agreed. He hesitated. "I don't know that she would have made it another day."

His words sank in as Olivia made the connection. "Vanessa Mayer was missing for three days before we found her body."

Cragen nodded. "He's getting sloppier, but he's not slowing down."

Olivia started to move toward the door. "Then we better figure out who the hell his next target is before it's too late."

* * *

"How is she?" Olivia approached Munch and Fin cautiously.

"Not good." Munch shot her an apologetic glance. "She's lost a lot of blood."

Olivia dropped down into a seat next to him. "What the hell happened?"

Fin didn't bother to mince words. "When we found her, she was barely conscious. Blunt force trauma to the head and multiple stab wounds."

Olivia drew her head up slowly, watching as the nurse escorted Simon back over to the waiting room and handed him a clipboard full of paperwork. She rose back to her feet, her voice weary. "Excuse me." Hesitantly, she crossed the waiting room and took a seat next to Simon. "Any word?"

He shook his head, the expression on his face wooden. "No, she's still in surgery. They say it's touch and go." He gestured toward the paperwork in his hand. "I don't even know how to fill half this stuff out."

Olivia sighed. "Simon, I don't understand. You're not even supposed to be anywhere near Tracey, remember. The conditions of your parole said you can't see her for three years."

Simon jumped in quickly. "It's been more than two years, Olivia."

Olivia nodded carefully. "Yes, but it hasn't been three. Simon, this is how you ended up in this situation to begin with."

"Olivia, I haven't been able to see my kids without some social worker supervising every visit. We had to cancel our wedding. Tracey called me a few months ago. She was lonely, and she invited me over. It was like we were a family again."

 _Liv, this is your family. You know what, when the kids come home, we should set up a regular Sunday dinner._

Olivia felt a knot tightening in the back of her throat at the memory. "Simon, you just can't take the law into your own hands." Olivia paused, for the first time noticing the tears burning in his eyes. She sighed. "I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing you need from me right now." She took a deep breath. "How are you holding up?"

He turned toward her, allowing his eyes to settle on hers. "I'm scared. Olivia, what if she doesn't pull through? I don't...I don't even know what happened."

Olivia averted her eyes away from his. "This isn't about you, Simon...or Tracey," she admitted quietly. She took a deep breath. "It's about me."

His head snapped up. "What are you talking about?"

Olivia struggled to find the words she needed. "We're following a case. The perp appears to be targeting people close to me. We were chasing down a lead when we found Tracey."

The words sank in slowly. When they did, the expression on Simon's face changed. Anger slowly began to creep in. He stood up and began to back away from her. "So this...what happened to Tracey...it's all because of you?" His words were suddenly accusatory, emotion boiling over in his voice.

Olivia's eyes slid closed for a brief moment. "Simon, I'm sorry."

"No, Olivia, I'm sorry." He glared back at her. "You want to know why I didn't call you for five years?" His voice hardened. "Because I can't keep doing this. Every time I'm around you, I get blamed for something else. It's your fault. You destroyed my memories of my dad. I try to repay you after everything that happened with Julia, and it's like I can't do anything right for you."

"Simon, I..."

"No, Olivia." He drew in a shaky breath. "It was bad enough when Lucy left after everything we went through. But then with Tracey...we were building a family. Everything was starting to look up, and then suddenly, I'm all alone again. I spent sixty days in jail, Olivia. And when I got out, I had no home. My family was gone. I'd lost my job at the clinic. My life was in shambles." He drew his arm up. "Just go, Olivia." His voice rose. "Just leave me alone!"

 _My family was gone._

A family without her. Olivia felt his words tear into her. She felt the knot tightening in the back of her throat. She watched him back away from her and quietly stepped back. Without even turning, she sensed Cragen's presence at her side. "Come on, Liv." His voice was soft, gentle. "Give him some time to cool down." He escorted her back down the hall, observing the tears welling up in her eyes.

They didn't stop until they reached the end of the hallway. Olivia stared blankly out the window. Her voice was quiet when she spoke. "You know I didn't understand why Tracey. Why take a woman who I've barely even met?" She shot him a sideways glance.

Cragen nodded silently, standing beside her without a word. When he spoke again, he turned back around, leaning against the frame of the window. "For a long time, Simon was the only family you've ever had. He knew that. He used that."

Olivia hesitated, turning toward the elevator and pressing the down button. "This isn't just professional; it's personal too. He's attacking me on all sides."

"I know." Cragen stood beside her for a moment as if trying to gather his next words. "Listen, I know that you've been going through a lot." He lowered his gaze for a moment and drew in a deep breath. "You and I...we've given our lives to this job. There are times where we use it so we don't have to focus on what's missing."

Olivia glanced over at him, surprised by his sudden candidness.

"This perp, whoever he is...he knows that. He's using that." Cragen glanced up, scanning the hallway to make sure that they were alone before continuing. "Liv, I know what it's like to feel like your world has been turned upside down." He drew in a shaky breath. "You know I never talked about what happened that morning when I woke up next to Carissa's body. Hell, I don't even know if I ever thanked you for being with me that day-for believing me."

Olivia's head snapped up. "Captain, you never have to thank me for that."

He waved his hand at her, taking a moment to consider his next words carefully. "I just wanted so much for it all to be over. But because of that, I never dealt with it."

Olivia nodded. When she spoke again, her voice was suddenly quiet. "So why talk about it now?"

Cragen drew his head up slowly. "Because when I pushed it away, I pushed it all away. I may not have gone back to drinking, but I looked for every way I could think of to avoid it." He allowed his eyes to slide closed for a moment. "Olivia, I pushed you to deal with what I couldn't do. That's why I sent you home that day. And I've been kicking myself for it ever since."

"Captain, what happened with Lewis...it wasn't your fault." Olivia turned toward him and was shocked to see the drawn, tired look in his eyes.

"That's where you're wrong, Liv." His voice cracked. "My head...it wasn't fully in the game. If it had been, we would have been the one to find you at the beach house, not the other way around."

"Captain, there's no way to know..."

"No, Liv. It was my responsibility." He straightened up, bringing himself to his full height and looking her square in the eye. "I had a duty to protect my squad, to protect you. And I failed."

"That's why you left?" It was the question she had been wanting to ask since the day he told her he was leaving. She hadn't dared ask it until now.

His silence was all the answer she needed.

"Captain." Munch and Fin rounded the corner and glanced back and forth between Olivia and Cragen.

Cragen took a step away from Olivia, the emotion dissipating in a moment. "Is she awake?"

Fin shook his head. "Nah, not yet. It sounds like it's going to be awhile. What do you want us to do?"

Cragen sighed. "Until she wakes up, there's not much we can do here. Make sure they call us as soon as she wakes up. In the meantime, get back to that crime scene. Let's hope he left something behind this time."

Amanda came up beside them. "I've already asked her nurse to give me a call when there' s a change in her status."

He nodded. "Good." He hesitated for a moment. "Amanda, go talk to Simon. He may not want to talk right now, but he doesn't have that choice. I don't care if you have to bring him in on a parole violation..."

"Captain?" Olivia protested quietly.

Cragen shook his head. "We can't afford to hold his hand right now," he continued. "We need to find out if there was anyone suspicious hanging around him or Tracey."

His eyes met hers for a moment. Olivia nodded her assent. "Okay, but I'm not leaving here until I at least stop by the clinic that David Ramirez was attending." Her voice left no room for argument.

Cragen studied her carefully before he responded. "Okay, but afterward, I want you to head back to the house. I want to fill Huang in on what he missed and start reviewing every profile of every inmate that's recently been released from Rikers. Somebody has to meet our profile."

* * *

Munch pushed past the uniformed officers at the door, his badge in hand and surveyed the crime scene in front of him. He sighed. "You know there are some things I definitely did not miss."

Fin cracked a smile. "You mean like my punk ass?"

Munch smirked. "You I missed...your ass, maybe not so much. You know, once upon a time, I did have a partner whose backside was..."

"Please don't finish that thought."

Munch rounded the corner and trailed off as he met Judy's icy glare. He shrugged nonchalantly. "Suit yourself."

Judy drew herself up to her feet. "I thought you dragged me out to this scene because we're looking at the same perp."

Fin crossed over to stand beside her. "We did," he responded quietly.

Judy glanced back over toward him. "Then you have a problem. This crime scene is like night and day from your last one." She gestured around. "Aside from the bloodstains over by where you found the body, this crime scene looks meticulous."

Fin traded a look with Munch. "So much for getting sloppier," he added drily. He allowed his eyes to scan around the room. "So what the hell are we missing?"

Munch wracked his brain to recall the original layout of the office. He stepped behind the solitary desk facing the doorway. "Or perhaps the better question is how did he lure Tracey here?" he mused.

Fin nodded to a vase of fresh flowers perched on the edge of the desk. "She could be having an affair... maybe a little wining and dining before he whacks her over the top of the head."

Munch smirked. "As much as my experience with my ex-wives may lead me to believe otherwise, he wouldn't have had time for that." Munch slid the vase over slightly and gestured toward the pad of paper lying out with a pen beside it. "Hey Judy, think you can run this through the ESDA and see if you can make out anything our perp may have written?"

Judy's glare back could have frozen hell over. "It's already on my radar...now you're just insulting me."

He cracked a smile back in return. "And this is why I love you, Judy."

* * *

"Excuse me." Olivia flashed her badge at the window in front of her. "Lieutenant Benson...SVU." The woman at the window looked startled. She gestured toward the door beside Olivia, and Olivia heard a click. She pushed the door open and stepped inside.

A young woman crossed the room and escorted Olivia back to her office. "Can I help you with anything?"

Olivia nodded and followed her into the back office. "Yes, I'm looking for a patient by the name of David Ramirez."

The woman hesitated. "Then I'm afraid I can't be much help." She sighed. "Unfortunately, I cannot tell you whether we have anyone here at the clinic by that name."

Olivia glanced back up. "I understand the whole doctor/patient confidentiality thing, but I don't have time to wait for a court order. Now he is the only link we have between two women who have been kidnapped and assaulted. One of those women is dead and the other is fighting for her life right now in your ER."

The woman sighed. "Trust me. I am not unsympathetic to your situation. Get me the court order, and I'll tell you anything you want to know." She hesitated. "I'm sorry I can't be more help."

Olivia headed back out the door, reaching for her phone to dial Cragen. "Captain, we're going to need that warrant." Before she could say anything further, the doors to the elevator closed and her phone signal cut out. By habit, Olivia pressed the button for the ground floor, stepping back as a crowd of people stepped on from the next floor. When she glanced back up, she was surprised to recognize the woman standing across from her.

"Olivia?"

"Kathleen." Olivia raised an eyebrow in surprise.

Together, they stepped forward as the elevator opened on the ground floor. "You must be on a case," Kathleen surmised. She hesitated for a moment. "Listen, you wouldn't happen to have time for a quick cup of coffee? The coffee shop is right around the corner."

Olivia nodded "Of course. It's been a long time." She glanced at the bouquet of flowers in her hand. "Who is the lucky guy?"

Kathleen laughed. "None." She gestured toward the flowers in her hand. "At least not for me. They were supposed to be for Maureen." Kathleen set them aside at a nearby table while she filled her coffee cup.

Olivia followed her lead, but brushed her aside when Kathleen attempted to pay for them. "I've got it," she insisted.

Kathleen nodded. "Thanks." She slid down into a chair and hesitated for a moment. "I know you're probably really busy, and it's probably nothing," she hedged.

Olivia lifted her gaze to meet that of the younger woman across from her. "Kathleen, I'm never too busy for you. Now I know I haven't been around much since your dad..."

"Left." Kathleen lowered her gaze ever so slightly. She took a sip out of her coffee. "Yeah. It's...not about that." She bit her bottom lip. She watched as Olivia drew the cup up to her lips. "It's just...Maureen was supposed to meet me here. We were going to grab lunch together, but..." She hesitated. "The thing is she never showed up for work today. She never called to tell them she would be out. And now she's not answering her phone either." Kathleen took a sip of her coffee. "It's probably nothing. I'm probably just being overly paranoid...after all, Dad taught us that the best."

"No." Olivia could feel her chest tightening as she tried to keep her voice steady. She searched desperately for any other rational reason, any excuse to explain the situation in front of her.

Anything other than this.

Olivia's gaze caught sight of the flowers still lying out on the table. "What about this new boyfriend?"

Kathleen pushed the flowers toward Olivia. "That's the thing, Olivia. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. And now apparently, he's apologizing to her after some fight or something."

Olivia reached in front of her for the card attached to the flowers. She slid the envelope open, pulling the card out between her fingertips. But as soon as she saw the words written inside of it, time stood still.

 _No hard feelings._

The world around her appeared to be frozen in place while she fumbled for her phone. "Captain, I'm on my way back to the station. Send someone to find Elliot now! We need him back at the house."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

* * *

"What are you doing here?"

Munch reached his hands out for the rail in front of him and stared out at the waves as they crashed into the rocks down below. Through his periphery, he could make out Elliot's intense gaze. "I told you, big brother is always watching. There is no safe place."

Elliot couldn't help holding back the beginning of a smile. "Clearly." He struggled to find the words he needed to find, the ones that he knew needed to be said. But instead, he settled on what was easier. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I suppose you're going to tell me you were just in the neighborhood."

"What, can't I track down an old friend just to catch up?" Munch's words died at the sideways glance Elliot shot him. He changed the subject. "How's your family?"

This time, it was Elliot's discomfort that was obvious. "You'd have to ask Kathy yourself. I haven't seen her for a year except to exchange custody of Eli."

"Welcome to the club." Munch glanced over toward him. "Trust me, it doesn't get any better, my friend."

Elliot nodded, cracking a tense smile. "Yeah. I thought once the job was over that maybe things might get better, but..." He trailed off. "You know how it goes." Together, they stared out into the waves down below.

Munch nodded. "And the kids?" he asked quietly.

"I thought college was expensive for one kid...but you should try two." This time, Elliot's smile appeared genuine. "Lizzie and Dickie are both attending Columbia. Kathleen is starting to turn things around and has her first serious boyfriend, and Maureen is off working downtown as a social worker at Bellevue. God only knows how I ended up with a therapist as a daughter."

Munch wrapped his fingers around the rail in front of him and pushed himself backward. He hesitated as he struggled to find the words to offer him next. "Elliot, I'm not just here on a social call. We need your help on a case."

Elliot caught his breath. "Munch, you don't understand." He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. His throat suddenly felt dry. "I can't do it." His voice broke. "I can't go back."

Munch's face was suddenly serious. "A lot has happened since you left, Elliot," he began quietly. "Olivia..." He trailed off. "She's been through a lot, and she needs you now more than ever."

Elliot's focus snapped up at her name. "What are you talking about?" He suddenly felt hyper-aware of his surroundings. "Is she okay?"

Munch held his hand up to stop him. His voice was quiet when he spoke. "She's safe. She's out on a case." He hesitated, not wanting to give him too much information.

Elliot hesitated. "Then, what..."

"Cragen sent me," Munch added quietly. "Have you...have you watched the news or read the papers this past year?"

Elliot felt the pit of his stomach beginning to tighten. "No." His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears.

Munch nodded toward where the sedan was waiting for them behind him. "Then we have a lot to catch you up on," he added quietly. "Come with me."

* * *

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?" Elliot stormed into the bullpen, finding the target of his rage and directing every bit of it toward where Fin sat at his desk. His eyes narrowed, pushing away every other memory of the space and focusing solely on the anger pulsing through his veins.

Fin hesitated, carefully keeping his voice level. He lowered his eyes ever so slightly. "Tell you what? I don't know what you're talking abou

Elliot glared back. "Like hell you don't. Were you ever planning on telling me?" His voice had risen to a feverish pitch, and Fin saw Cragen beginning to walk over toward them. Fin held up his hand to stop him. Elliot looked back and forth between them. "I would have been there for her."

Fin's eyes were weary, all the fight suddenly drained from within them. "It wasn't my place to tell." He hesitated, then derisively pulled himself up to his feet and shot back an accusatory glare. "But even if it was, do you really think I would have told you?"

Elliot's head snapped up. "What are you talking about?"

Fin's eyes burned into his. "You didn't even bother to tell her, Elliot. You just walked out like the last thirteen years didn't even matter." Fin crossed his arms over his chest as he moved closer. "Do you have any idea what that did to her?" Resolve filled his voice as he remembered the way Olivia had come back with red-rimmed, puffy eyes and tried to hide every bit of hurt, of betrayal, of concern. "You wouldn't even answer a damn phone call."

Elliot fought to hold back the tears that suddenly sprang to his eyes at the truth behind his words. "I was trying to protect her."

"Protect her?" Fin's voice continued to rise. "You weren't protecting her. You were protecting yourself. Olivia's never had anyone there for her. Her whole life has been one disappointment after another. Just when she finally thought it might be okay to trust someone, you go and vanish without a trace." Fin's words dropped off as he saw the emotion in his voice reflected in the stricken gaze that stared back

"You're right." Elliot collapsed into a chair next to Fin, his voice barely more than a whisper. He dropped his head into his hands, a wave of shame washing over him as the reality behind Fin's words sank in.

God, he was a complete ass. He had needed to convince himself that it was better for him to avoid saying goodbye, to wait for a call so that he could come in and submit his retirement papers before she got back. He had spent the last three years convincing himself it had somehow been easier on her than having to say goodbye. But the truth was, he didn't have any idea what to say to her then, and he sure as hell didn't know what to say to her now.

It was his fault. His eyes settled on the floor in front of him. An image of a pool of blood came to mind, and he swallowed hard. But instead of Jenna Fox's lifeless body in the middle of it, it was suddenly Ryan Clifford.

Elliot had spent 5 years clinging to his need to project his own feelings of guilt onto her-to avoid responsibility for Ryan's death. It was a race to avoid helplessness, to avoid acknowledging that maybe each case was somehow destined to end in destruction, no matter what any of them did.

 _How? How did she make you do anything?_

Control was an illusion dangling in front of him, always promising a different outcome, but never delivering it. He had spent five years wondering what he would do when the situation presented itself again-rescue the child or rescue Olivia.

 _I know you would have taken the shot, Olivia._

It was supposed to be his job to protect them, and he had failed at it all. He had left Olivia vulnerable-out in the open with nothing more than a damn desk chair to shield her from what could have been while he stood cowering behind a desk.

And ultimately his inability to pick either one had cost Jenna Fox and Sister Peg their lives, had cost him his partnership.

 _You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that._

His father had been right all along. He didn't deserve to keep either one of them. Elliot's eyes drifted closed as he remembered sliding his retirement papers over onto Cragen's desk. He remembered Cragen's quiet insistence that he wait for Olivia to return, and he remembered walking out the door in spite of it.

He didn't have any idea how to tell her he couldn't come back, and he was terrified she might try to change his mind, to shoulder the responsibility for both of them. He couldn't let her do that.

It was his burden to bear-alone.

There was a moment of silence while Fin struggled to find the words he knew Elliot needed from him. He saw the stricken look on Elliot's face, and his voice softened slightly. "You know she seemed like she was finally starting to be okay again. She was in a stable relationship with Cassidy of all people. She was happy."

Elliot drew his focus up slowly, wanting so much to believe that his sacrifice had somehow brought her some element of happiness.

Fin swallowed hard. "And then one day, she's just gone." He took a moment to regain his composure before he picked up again. "It was two days before we even realized it, Elliot. The bastard had her for two days alone in her apartment, and there was no one there to look out for her, to keep her safe." His eyes dropped back down, his voice suddenly weary with resignation. "So no, I wasn't about to put her through anything more by callin' you."

Elliot could barely see through the tears in his eyes. "I didn't know." His voice was hoarse with emotion. "I couldn't watch the news and see everything I was missing. I swear to God, I didn't know."

Fin's voice was wooden. "The worst part is...it didn't end there." He slowly drew his face back up to look over at Elliot. "None of us could deal with it. Munch retired, Capt'n waited for the trial before he left too." Fin nodded to a blonde sitting across the room from them. "Amanda went back to gambling, and Olivia's new partner went off on a perp and ended up back on foot patrol..." Fin trailed off, looking away and setting his jaw. "It hit us all, Elliot. None of us will ever be the same again," he finished quietly.

Elliot felt completely and utterly lost. "I don't know how to make it up to her." He barely even recognized his voice through the emotion he was choking back. "How do you say you're sorry for something like that?"

Fin turned his head to meet Elliot in the eyes again. "We've all been asking ourselves the same question for a year now. But I'll tell you what. It better damn well start with actually being there for her," he ventured quietly. He paused. "Especially when she pushes you away-cause you know she will."

Suddenly the blonde across the room from him gestured toward a figure walking in the door. "Sergeant," she interjected quickly.

Cragen's voice followed, his tone sharp as if silencing them all. "Elliot."

Elliot's eyes followed theirs toward the figure that had just walked into the room. And suddenly, he was frozen in place. "Olivia."

* * *

Olivia stepped foot in the bullpen and suddenly froze.

He was there.

Three years wavered in an instant, and time stood still. His eyes held hers from across the room. Her breathing felt suddenly shallow, and she hesitated-hesitated and wondered whether she could still understand what once never needed to be spoken.

"Olivia." The name, when spoken, sounded different to her ears. Formal. It held a million unspoken words in its four syllables. "Or should I say, Sergeant?"

 _Sergeant._ And then, she found it. The anger that had long since been pushed away boiled to the surface again. "No, just Olivia." She tossed her jacket on the rack in the bullpen and turned her back to him. There was a bitterness in her words because it wasn't the badge of honor that others carried. It was the scars left behind. The truth is, she had never wanted it-never wanted this.

Her eyes scanned the room around her as if searching for some escape. Without a word, Cragen nodded his permission to her. She turned silently, retreating into her office and waited-waited for the familiar footsteps that would inevitably follow. Olivia felt as if her heart was pounding in her head as she took a seat at the desk in front of her, seeking refuge behind it as she fought desperately for composure.

She had never wanted this role. She had been forced to choose it. This desk had been the only thing left behind. Elliot. Munch. Cragen. Each loss had stolen another piece of her heart. The truth was, everyone in her life had left...Jeffries, Cassidy, her mother, Alex, Casey, Simon, Chester, Huang. Hell, even Melinda was rarely around anymore.

 _Sergeant_ Benson didn't need to let anyone else in. _Sergeant_ Benson didn't need a partner. _Sergeant_ Benson knew that it was somehow easier this way. There was no one to let her down. There was no one to leave her.

"You're angry." Elliot's words reflected the depths of her soul, and she hated him for it.

"It's been three years, El."

He swallowed hard. "I know." He tentatively crossed the room and took a seat across from her. Elliot paused. Olivia didn't belong behind _this_ desk. She had always been the one to stretch every limit ever set, to push past the confines of a job title predicated on following orders. Olivia didn't do orders. She broke orders. He crossed his arms over his chest as if to protect himself. He had no idea where to start. "Look at you now. You were better off without me."

"No, I wasn't." She hated the break in her voice as she fought back the emotions. A million unspoken words filled the silence that followed. She wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to hide the insecurities hidden behind her words. "I needed you, El."

He heard the way her voice broke and felt the knot tightening in the pit of his stomach. He desperately fought for control over his own emotions. She needed him to be there for her, not the other way around right now. He met her gaze in the silence that followed, desperately trying to understand an emptiness that was hauntingly familiar and yet strangely foreign. The guilt he had pushed away began to creep forward again. He swallowed hard. Had he done this to her? "Look, Liv, I..."

His words were cut short by the phone piercing through the silence. She picked it up. "Sergeant Benson." A pause followed as he strained to hear the conversation on the other end of the line. "Of course, it's okay, Lucy. Thanks for going above and beyond. I'll be there as soon as I can. Give Noah a kiss for me."

 _Lucy? Noah?_ His heart sank a hair lower at the lack of recognition in each name. There had once been a time where he had known nearly everyone in her life, known her better than perhaps she had even known herself. Now it became abundantly clear to him that a lifetime had elapsed in the span of the last three years. He raised an eyebrow. "Noah?"

Her hands curled around the edge of her desk. "My son."

Olivia had a son. Olivia was a mother. His head was spinning as he desperately tried to fill in the pieces of a life that it was becoming painstakingly clear he no longer knew anything about. His eyes flew over to her left hand. "Are you..."

"No, El." Olivia beat him to it. "I'm trying to adopt him. We found him during a case. The judge gave me a year trial to see...to see how it goes." Olivia let the rest of the words fade out, terrified that he might see beyond them to a truth that had already pushed everyone else in her life away.

He studied her face carefully, studied each word, each breath, each break within her words. A part of him wanted desperately to understand the words that he knew were left unspoken. But somehow fear won out. He let her have her silence, instead falling back into a familiar cadence. "Why send Munch, Liv?" His voice broke. "Why did you bring me back?"

Suddenly, the words she had been holding back seemed so much easier than the ones she knew she needed to offer him now. With a start, she pushed away years of pain, of uncertainty, of fear. She needed him, but right now, he needed her more. It was her turn to take on the only role that she knew. Her hand was trembling as she reached for the card tucked in her jacket pocket.

She handed it over wordlessly.

 _No hard feelings._

Elliot's mouth went dry. _Richard White_. He hesitated. "I don't understand. We put him away for life."

Olivia nodded slowly. "We did, but..." She drew in a shaky breath. "Do you remember the Leawood case?"

Elliot felt the tension fill his entire body with dread at the memory. He nodded, remembering what it had been like to watch her crumble without being able to do a damn thing about it. Somehow his voice still managed to be even when he spoke. "You mean with your niece? Of course. How could I forget?"

Olivia held her breath. "Elliot, with all that was going on with my trial, Alex never told us."

He knew what she was going to say even before the words left her mouth. "The bastard got out on appeal." He froze, his voice suddenly deathly quiet. "Olivia, where did you get the card?"

She held his gaze, silently offering him the support she knew he needed to balance out the crushing weight of her words. "Elliot, I'm sorry. It's about your daughter."

* * *

 _ **Author's Note** : The end of this chapter references one of my previous stories, Falling. This story is officially a sequel to Falling, but I have tried not to build upon the additions to canon I created too much aside from creating a pretext for Richard White's release._


	7. Chapter 7

_**Author's Note:**_ _Apologies for the delay in getting this chapter out. It's been a long one for me. Also trigger warning: the last scene contains a flashback from Surrender Benson where Lewis taunts Olivia. Reviews are welcomed! They help inspire me to keep moving so thanks for all who have reviewed thus far. Enjoy!_

* * *

Chapter 7

* * *

 _It's about your daughter._

Time stood still as he fought for the air that suddenly felt as if it had been pushed out of his lungs. The emotional roller coaster he had been on since the car ride with Munch suddenly felt like it was spiraling downward out of control. Suddenly, Munch's casual questions about his family took on a whole new meaning. "What are you talking about?"

Olivia came up beside him, her eyes finding his and holding them to ground him against the impact of her next words. "Kathleen asked to see me today," she said quietly. "Maureen is missing."

Elliot immediately began to scan through his mind for his last conversation with her. It had been three days. "How long?"

Olivia kept her voice steady. "Fin is trying to find that out now."

Uncertainty. Fear. Helplessness. The emotions molded together, threatening to take hold over him. Instead, Elliot pushed them all away to cling to the only emotion that could fuel him through a case. But the wave of betrayal washing over him was too strong. "Why the hell would she have gone to you?"

Olivia flinched from the impact of his words as she fought back the tears threatening to come forward. She had imagined this moment since the day he left, imagined what it would be like to see him again. But never in her wildest imagination had this conversation ever been a part of it.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

"Why didn't she come to me?" Elliot appeared to be oblivious to the effect his words had on her. His voice was beginning to rise again as the anger took hold, pushing away every other feeling he wasn't ready to face.

"Elliot, I brought you in as soon as I found out. Kathleen had plans to meet Maureen today. When she didn't show up, she came over to Bellevue and found out that Maureen never called in or showed up for work. I just happen to be there."

 _Detective Stabler. How are Kathy and the kids?_

Elliot squeezed his eyes closed to block out the words he had long since pushed away. "Liv, we have to find her." His voice was raspy when he spoke.

When his eyes slid open again, Olivia held his gaze with her own. "We'll find her, El." She felt his panic grip her, and within it, she felt a sudden moment of clarity. In that moment, every bit of emotion he had been pushing back was hers to hold and it was her turn to shoulder the responsibility of it all for both of them.

There was a quiet knock on the door. It swung open, and Cragen quietly escorted Kathleen inside. "Kathleen!" Elliot drew her into his arms, silently holding Olivia's gaze from where she had stepped back away-creating the space she knew he needed. He pulled back, shifting his focus over to his daughter.

Kathleen had tears in her eyes. "Dad, I'm scared."

He nodded back at her. "I know, but it's going to be okay. We'll find her." He glanced over at Olivia. "Listen, I want you to stay here with the Captain. Call Dickie and Lizzie. I want you all here where you're safe."

Kathleen glanced up quickly. "What about Mom?"

Elliot appeared to be caught off guard. "Of course. Call your mother too. You can meet her and Eli at your aunt's house." Elliot glanced up at Cragen as if seeking approval. Cragen nodded silently. "We'll have a car parked outside the house. We're going to make sure that you're all safe."

Kathleen's voice was still trembling. "Dad, where are you going?"

Elliot fought to keep his voice even when he responded. "I'm going to find the son of a bitch who did this to your sister."

* * *

"Somebody, please tell me we know something." Munch kept one eye trained on the door to the captain's office, quietly observing the scene playing out inside.

Fin nodded. "Maureen's credit card was last used at a wine bar a couple of blocks from her apartment around 9 pm last evening."

Amanda studied the receipt that Munch had laid out carefully. "One salmon dinner and a couple of glasses of wine. Are you thinking she might have had company?"

Fin nodded in agreement. "It's definitely a possibility. We have uni's canvassing the area. Video footage shows her walking alone past the bodega on the corner by her apartment to get to the wine bar."

"But nothing coming back home," Amanda finished grimly.

Fin crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Exactly. Witness statements appear to match that. The street vendor on her way back to her apartment says Maureen always acknowledges him every time she walks by. Problem is...he says he never saw her come back."

"So what the hell happened to her? Did we check other cameras by the wine bar?"

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, but the only cameras in that area are traffic cams. They're only activated when someone runs a red light."

"Anybody at the wine bar remember her?" Munch asked cautiously.

Fin smirked. "Nothing yet. But we have uni's taking additional statements now."

The sound of Amanda's phone cut through the rest of the conversation. "Rollins." She listened intently. "Yeah, no, thanks for the heads up. I'll be right there." She hung up the phone before bringing her focus back up. "That was the hospital. Tracy Harrison is awake."

* * *

"Hold on, Elliot."

Elliot and Olivia paused, midway through the door. Olivia gestured for him to stay and escorted Kathleen back into the bullpen. "Come on, Kathleen. Officer Robbins will escort you to your aunt's house."

Cragen closed the door behind them. His voice was quiet when he spoke. "Elliot, you know you're not cleared for duty."

Elliot's jaw was clenched. "Captain, he has my little girl. I don't care if I'm cleared for duty or not. Maureen needs me right now."

Cragen leaned against his desk, the expression on his face weary. "Even if I wanted to look the other way, you know the brass would never let you touch this case."

The expression on Elliot's face was pained. His voice was pleading. "Captain, you don't understand. I have spent the last three years trying to pretend that I don't belong here. I have tried to be there for my family, and I failed. Now my daughter is in trouble, and I'll be dammed if I'm going to let you or anyone else stand in the way of me getting her back."

Cragen drew his focus up slowly. His tone was sharp when he spoke. "Elliot, as interim captain of this unit, I am ordering you to stand down." Cragen turned around and fought back a smile, his voice softening. "But technically speaking, you are a civilian who doesn't report to me. And if the brass asks, I don't have any say over what it is that you decide to do in your personal time."

A smile spread across Elliot's face slowly. His voice was rough when he spoke. "Thank you, Captain."

Cragen nodded back, opening the door for him. "Elliot, your partner's waiting. Go nail the son of a bitch."

Olivia stepped back through the open doorway, glancing sideways at Cragen. "Are we good?" Cragen nodded his permission.

Olivia handed Elliot the piece of paper in her hand, arching one eyebrow. "Just in case you decide today would be a good day for a ride-a-long, here's our address." A small smile spread across her face as she matched his stride with hers. "But you better believe I'm going to be driving."

* * *

"Tracy Harrison?" Amanda stepped into the hospital room and flashed her badge. "My name is Detective Rollins. I'm a detective with the Special Victims Unit." Amanda pulled up a seat to move to Tracy's eye level. Her voice was soft when she spoke. "I know you've been through a lot, but I was hoping you might feel up to a few questions."

Simon studied Amanda with suspicion. "Where's Olivia?"

Amanda returned his steady gaze. "She's out working the case. I thought you didn't want to see her."

There was no response from Simon. Tracy appeared hesitant. She glanced across the room at him. "I'm sorry, I don't think that I can be much help." She attempted to sit up slightly in the bed, wincing as she did so.

"Well, anything you might be able to remember would be a big help. Do you think you can walk me through what happened?"

Tracy shook her head. "I'm sorry, but I don't really remember much."

Simon jumped in quickly. "She has a head injury. The doctor said that it might interfere with her short-term memory."

Amanda studied him carefully before turning her focus back to Tracy. She intentionally kept her voice soothing. "That's okay. Can you just tell me the last thing you do remember?"

Tracy was quiet for a moment. "I don't really know what happened." She leaned her head back against the pillow. "One moment, I was in my apartment, and the next..." She trailed off. With one hand she pushed the hair sweeping into her face aside. "You know when the doorbell rang, I thought it was Simon who sent me the flowers." She met his gaze briefly, watched his eyes squeeze closed, and bit her bottom lip. "We had just gotten into an argument so when the voice on the intercom told me he had a delivery, I just assumed..." Her eyes darted around the room. "It was my fault. I let him in."

Amanda reached for her hand. "Tracy, what happened to you is not your fault."

Tracy brought her gaze up to meet Amanda's. "Then why did I let him in? Why did I let a perfect stranger into my home? What the hell was I thinking? If the kids hadn't been with my mother..."

Amanda broke in gently. "The kids are fine. They're still at your mother's house," she reassured her.

"Oh, thank God." Tracy's eyes fluttered shut again as she reached for Simon's hand. He moved closer, taking her hand in his.

Amanda jotted down a quick note. "Tracy, can you tell me what happened next?"

Tracy studied Simon for a moment. "I don't really know. I brought the flowers into my apartment, and I went to grab a vase to put them in some water. But he didn't leave. I heard the door opening again so I started to turn around. That was the last thing I remember before I woke up. I think maybe he may have hit me with something from behind because when I woke up again, I was bleeding.

"Can you describe where he took you?"

Tracy paused. "My memory gets pretty fuzzy. I just remember bits and pieces." She hesitated. "I remember a door," she said slowly. "But it wasn't like a normal door. It was...more industrial, like metal. But it had some sort of texture to it."

"You mean like a hammered metal?" Amanda offered.

Tracy nodded. "Yes. I just...I kept looking at the door." Her eyes appeared to glaze over. "Why didn't I lock the door after he gave me the flowers? Why did I let him get in?"

Simon stood up quickly. "Maybe we should stop. You're upsetting her." Tracy had rolled over into the fetal position, tucking her knees into her chest.

Amanda glanced back and forth between the two of them. "I just need to see if she can describe him for me. Tracy, what did he look like?"

Simon turned his back to Amanda, placing a protective arm on Tracy's shoulder. "No, we're not doing this anymore. She's done."

Amanda attempted to search for Tracy's gaze. "Tracy, you spent two days with him. It could be really important," she pleaded.

Tracy shook her head. Her voice had risen slightly through her broken cries. "Please...just...leave me... alone."

* * *

"Olivia." Richard White surveyed her from where he sat behind his desk, allowing his eyes to travel the length of her body. "It's been awhile. You look nice."

Olivia leaned against the desk, her lips curving up in a smile. She intentionally kept her voice breathy. "It has. You didn't tell me you got out."

He laughed, clearly amused. "I'm sorry for that. I didn't know you would be so happy to see me. We left things rather...unfinished." He attempted to glance around her. "Where's your partner?"

Olivia slid into an empty chair next to his desk and tossed her hair back. "It's just you and me right now." She shot him a sultry gaze. "I thought that's how you liked it."

He nodded approvingly. "You know it is."

"You know I have a nice quiet room back at the station house," Olivia added demurely. "We could go back...to...talk."

He leaned back in his chair. "Aww, and that's where it is." He shook his head. "You know I wasn't a fan of our last encounter there. It cost me nine years at Rikers."

Olivia leaned in. "Then let me make it up to you. Why don't you come by and tell me all about what I've missed since you've been out."

He shot her a charming smile. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" He appeared to hesitate. "You know, I'd be curious what you've been up to. What was it like to have your partner leave you after all those years?"

Olivia turned away abruptly, fighting back the rush of anger and struggling to keep her tone light. "Come on, Richard. We're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk about you. So what do you think?"

He laughed mirthlessly. "Still have a one-track mind I see." He folded his hands over in front of him at his desk. "It's very endearing," he added.

"The station house," Olivia reminded him, a slight edge to her voice.

He nodded as he reached for his jacket. Sweeping it in his arms, he gestured toward the door. "Shall we?"

* * *

"You arrested Richard White?"

Cragen glanced up from his desk to see Alex's glare from clear across the room. "Nice to see you too, Counselor." Cragen hesitated. "Not that it's any of your business, but technically he's not under arrest yet. He's free to leave at any time."

Alex walked across Cragen's office and tossed her jacket on the chair. "Well, word travels fast. His attorney already has me on speed dial, and I don't even work for the DA's office anymore."

Cragen weighed his next words carefully. "Any chance you'd consider coming back for old time's sakes?" He sighed. "Barba is in the Caribbean on a cruise, and I really think Olivia needs someone she can trust on this one."

Alex paused, startled by his request. She studied his face carefully. "Why now, Don? It's been two years since I've heard anything from any of you. What makes this case so different?"

Cragen returned her gaze for a moment as if trying to decide how much to tell her. "Alex, Olivia has been through hell and back this year." His eyes slid closed for a brief moment, and he prayed that his next words wouldn't push her away. He kept his voice intentionally soft. "Something tells me you might be able to relate to that."

Alex crossed her arms over her chest. Even from halfway across the world, Liam Connors still managed to haunt her. "I heard," she responded quietly. Her eyes darted over to his. "I'm sorry I wasn't here to be there for her. I..."

Cragen waved his hand. "She doesn't need excuses, Alex. She just needs someone who can be there for her now." Without waiting for a response, he stood up and adjusted the blinds behind him into the interrogation room. "Be there for both of them." He gestured in front of him, changing the subject. "White hasn't asked for his attorney yet. He's too busy playing Olivia's reaction."

Alex came around to the other side of Cragen's desk and studied the scene in front of her. "What the hell is Stabler doing here? I thought he retired."

Cragen returned her gaze, his face suddenly weary. "I thought we all retired," he returned quietly. He sighed, turning back toward her, "And yet, here we are."

Alex nodded succinctly. "Fair point. So what's he in for?"

Cragen crossed his arms. "Right now, we're looking at three counts of kidnapping, assault, rape, and murder...and that's just for starters."

Alex nodded approvingly. "Well, you better make sure you have an iron clad case before you arrest him again. Need I remind you how he got out?" Alex studied the scene before her before turning back to Cragen. "Who did he kidnap anyway?" She saw the momentary hesitation on Cragen's face and immediately put the pieces together. "Please tell me you're kidding, right! And you let him in there? What were you thinking?"

Cragen's jaw was tense. "Alex, a cop's daughter is missing."

Alex turned back toward him. "No, a former cop's daughter is missing. No wonder Barba is away in the Caribbean. Don, do I have to remind you about how things turned out with Jill Foster?"

Cragen could feel the familiar heaviness weighing down his chest. "Alex, not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened to Jill Foster," he replied tersely. "Now this is not the same thing, and you know it."

Alex glared back at him. "No, it's worse because now you're talking about Elliot." She glanced back at the interrogation room. "You know he's not going to be able to control his anger." Alex turned back toward Cragen accusingly. "Look at White. Where did that cut come from above his eye?"

Cragen didn't skip a beat. "He hit his head on the car on his way over."

"Oh, cut the crap, Don. Elliot tuned him up before he even made it into the interrogation room. Do you really think that's going to fly in court?"

Cragen crossed his arms over his chest. "Why do you care anyway, Alex?" He paused. "Unless you're taking this case."

This time it was her turn to sigh. "Because he is going to spin this into a tale of persecution. And right now, everything you do is suspect." Alex hesitated, her voice softening slightly. "It's my fault that he's out-that he's allowed to hurt anyone." She felt a heaviness as her shoulders caved forward ever so slightly. "Maybe if I had been able to help them see the truth sooner..."

Cragen was quick to respond. "Alex, what happened is not your fault."

Alex averted her gaze. "Yeah, sure." She leaned against the wall. "I've heard that before." Together they stood in silence for the longest time. When Alex finally spoke again, her voice was quiet. "If I'm going to take the case, no more playing fast and loose. I need all the facts." She closed her eyes, wondering if she really wanted the answer to her next question. "Which one?"

Cragen turned back toward the two-way window. "Maureen," he responded quietly.

Alex nodded silently. She reached over to turn on the mic to listen in on the interrogation.

* * *

"So tell me again where you were on Tuesday night."

White winked back at Olivia. "Such a thrill seeker. I was presenting at a real estate conference. We finished up around 8:30 and afterward, a few of us went straight over for drinks at the hotel bar until about midnight."

"You're lying." Elliot could no longer bite his tongue. "Tell me what you did with her!"

White looked amused at Elliot's reaction. "What's the matter? Not the answer you're looking for, Detective?" He chuckled to himself, clearly reveling in Elliot's discomfort.

Olivia leaned close. "You know what I think? I think you've been stalking her. You've been studying her routine and waiting for the perfect moment. I think you decided it was time to make good on your threat to Detective Stabler so you snuck out in between. You kidnapped his daughter, and then you went to the bar to establish an alibi."

White leaned in closer. "You know as much as I might enjoy this little scenario you've concocted, there's one problem with your little theory." He leaned back in his chair. "I have an alibi."

"You sent her flowers!" Elliot seethed. He tossed the card on the table in front of him.

White chuckled, picking up the card on the table and fondling it in his hands. He set it back down. "Sounds more like someone sent an apology to me."

"That someone is you. And I swear to God I'm going to wipe that smug look off your face." Elliot leaned in closely, grabbing White's shirt by the collar.

"Elliot!" Olivia's tone was sharp. She allowed one hand to rest firmly on his shoulder. Elliot's mind was racing as he fought to restrain himself. His lips curved upward in a smile. Slowly, he released his grip on White, keeping his eyes trained on his. He vaguely heard a knock on the window and fought for a control that had disappeared the moment he stepped foot in the squad room. He backed away, desperately fighting for a breath of air, for anything that might help slow down the rage pulsing through his veins.

White watched Elliot disappear through the door. He turned around to study Olivia carefully. "I think he's afraid of me," he taunted.

She turned her back to White, fighting to ignore the sinking feeling in her chest as she watched Elliot step out of the room. He was gone. He had left her alone...again. Her mouth suddenly felt dry as she desperately fought for control-fought for the rationale side of her brain to kick in and remind her that he had just stepped in the back to try to calm himself down.

Oliva whipped back around, an edge to her voice. "I think you should be afraid of him," she answered quietly. She opened the file in her hand and tossed three photographs on the table. "Vanessa Mayer. Tracy Harrison. Maureen Stabler." She leaned forward and drew her eyes up to meet his with a steely gaze. "You've been busy."

"Busy, yes." White leaned in closer, ignoring the photographs on the table. "But not in the way you think." He winked at her, reaching out to touch her arm. "We could get busy together."

Olivia felt her stomach turn. She withdrew her arm quickly. "Get your hand off of me." Her words were sharper than she intended. She tried to soften her tone, but the damage had already been done.

"A little sensitive, are we?" White was clearly reveling in her discomfort. His breath was warm on her face as he pushed the boundary further. "Come on sweetheart. You called me here for a reason. I know what I want. What about you?"

 _"I know what I want. What about you?"_

 _Olivia drew her focus up slowly. "I do." She shifted, slowly bringing herself to her feet. "I know exactly what I want. I want you dead."_

 _Her eyes were trained on his as he shifted toward her, holding her gaze with his. Her gun was drawn, the grip slippery from the slight moisture on the palm of her hands. "I want a bullet in your head."_

 _"That's it." She could feel him egging her on, and as much as a part of her knew it, another part of her, continued to take measured steps forward._

 _"I want you in the ground." Her words were barely more than a whisper as she fought for a strength to resist, to stop herself. And yet, as much as she wanted to stop herself, she knew she was past the point of no return._

 _"Come on," he pleaded. Enticing her. Begging her._

 _Her jaw tightened. Every muscle in her body felt poised for attack. "Nobody will miss you. Nobody will mourn you." Olivia hadn't even realized she was at point blank range until she felt the gun pressed into his forehead._

 _"Oh, just do it. Do it right now. Come on, while you're angry. Just shoot me. Do it. It's gonna feel so good. Just shoot me."_

She was trembling with rage. Every muscle in her body was shaking. She felt her finger hesitate on the trigger as she cocked her weapon, wanting so much to give in without restraint.

"Olivia."

Her gaze narrowed as everything else around her disappeared. It was just the two of them.

"Olivia!"

She felt him reach over and tear her Glock away from her, felt an arm pulling her back. His grip on her was strong, firm. Her breathing was ragged as she felt herself whip around. And then she saw him. His eyes sought out hers, his hands held her up, and she felt her muscles collapsing under the weight of it all as reality came crashing back to her.

"Olivia." His voice was softer now, concerned as he pulled her out of the interrogation room, away from White, away from the hellish nightmare she found herself trapped within. William Lewis, Eric Plummer, Richard White. She wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to fight for the air that felt as if it had been long since pushed out of her lungs. But she couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable, to let him see the hurt, the pain, the brokenness. Not now. So instead she chose the rage.

"I'm fine." Olivia's tone was sharp as she pushed him away from her as she desperately fought for some semblance of control over her life. She needed to get away from here. She needed the anger to give her the strength she felt that she couldn't even begin to find, let alone use to get away from here. She glared back at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Elliot took a step back incredulously, desperately attempting to piece together what had just happened. "What the hell am I doing? Olivia, you just held a gun to a suspect's head!"

Olivia glared back, searching for any way to hide what she couldn't bring herself to admit. Not to him. She pointed an accusing finger at him. "Yeah, well maybe he would have talked if you hadn't pulled me out of there." She stormed out into the bullpen, knowing full well he would follow her out. She felt the strength coming back, felt the rage pushing her forward.

"Maybe he would have talked?" Elliot challenged her incredulously. He reached for her arm to spin her around to face him. "Are you serious?" He had no idea at what point her anger had taken over for his. But somehow it had.

In the beginning, it was his anger-his anger that pushed them through every case, her empathy that pushed back and contained it. He wasn't sure at what point that had changed, but suddenly, everything felt off kilter. His anger melded with hers, sending them spiraling out of control. And he had no idea how to contain it, how to stop it, how to find that balance again.

Because it had always been her strength that kept them going. And without it, he had been lost. As a partner, she was stronger than he ever had been. But now that was what terrified him the most-because all of a sudden, she needed him to be strong. He was terrified that if he admitted he wasn't strong enough, she would insist on bearing the weight of it for both of them. And he wasn't sure he could handle watching her take it all on alone. Not again. He needed to somehow find the strength that she had managed so seamlessly for so many years.

"Liv." His voice cracked as he attempted to connect with her again. His hand made contact with her arm and he was startled at the way she withdrew from him.

"Get away from me!"

Elliot withdrew from her in shock. She had never drawn away from him before-not like this. Olivia pushed. Hell, she had run all the way across the country to Oregon rather than allow him to get too close. But never had he seen her push back like this. Her hands were outstretched in front of her as if to protect her. Her body was trembling, her eyes burning with tears that she fought desperately to fight back.

And he felt frozen in place, helpless to stop any of it.

He was terrified that a single move could push her away, break the fragile shell still holding her together. He swallowed hard. The woman in front of him was no longer the Olivia Benson he had always known. Something was different. Something had changed. He felt a tightness in the back of his throat, and suddenly he wanted to cry. He wanted to gather her in his arms and tell her that it was going to be okay. But instead he stood there because he had no idea what to do, what to say. Somehow in his absence, Olivia was no longer the partner he'd always known. She had become a victim. And all the training in the world, all his years in SVU had never prepared him for the reality in front of him now.

Elliot watched Fin approach her, watched him escort her back upstairs while slowly, the bullpen shifted back into its familiar rhythm. The case went on. Life went on, and yet somehow he felt trapped in a reality that terrified him.

"You know for a long time, we didn't know how to handle it either." The familiar voice came up beside him." It was tinged with sadness and regret. Elliot drew his focus up and returned Munch's gaze. "I only saw her the first time around. That was bad enough." He gestured for Elliot to have a seat next to him. "I think maybe she was just starting to work through it when he escaped, and it all started again." Munch's voice broke off as he fought for his composure.

Elliot hesitated before he spoke. His voice was quiet. "I thought Lowell Harris was bad. But this...John, I've never seen her like this. What the hell did he do to her?"

Munch held up a file in his hand. "Are you sure you really want to know?" He paused. "Because once you open this, there's no going back."

Elliot nodded quietly, reaching to take the file from Munch. He hesitated briefly. "What you told me in the car...there's more to it than that, isn't there?"

Munch nodded quietly.

"Okay." Elliot opened up the file in front of him. "Then I need to know." His voice cracked. "John, I need to know what he did to her if I'm ever going to have my partner back again."


End file.
